What Real Love Looks Like

Good morning — if we haven’t met, my name is Matt. I’m the teaching pastor here at Blue Oaks.

Today we’ll be in Romans 12, verses 9 through 21 as we continue our series.

If you want to follow along, you can turn there in your Bible, open the Blue Oaks app, or follow along on the screens.

Paul gets very practical in this section.

For the last few weeks, we’ve been seeing how the gospel doesn’t just change what we believe… it changes the kind of people we become.

It reshapes how we think.
It reshapes how we see ourselves.
It reshapes how we relate to one another.

And now Paul turns to one of the most central, complicated, overused, misunderstood words in the human vocabulary.

Love.

Love is one of those words we think we understand.

We use it all the time. We say:

“I love this show…”
“I love that place…”
“I love these people…”
“I love good parking…”

And those are not all exactly the same thing.

We can move through life assuming we know what love is… until we actually have to live it.

It’s one thing to love in theory. It’s another thing to love when you’re tired.

Or disappointed.
Or overlooked.
Or misunderstood.
Or when the person you’re trying to love is not making it easy.

And today is one of those days where we’re already thinking about love in a particular way… because it’s Mother’s Day.

For many of us, that brings to mind images of care… and sacrifice… and consistency…

The kind of love that shows up when no one else sees it.
The kind of love that keeps going when it’s tired.
The kind of love that doesn’t keep score.

And for others, this day is more complicated.

It may carry loss…
or distance…
or longing…
or relationships that haven’t been what you hoped they would be.

It may bring to mind love that was inconsistent… or absent… or painful.

And both of those realities can sit in the same room.

Which is part of why this passage matters so much. Because Paul is not giving us a sentimental picture of love.

He’s not describing love as a vague feeling or an idealized family moment where everyone is smiling and no one has said anything weird at brunch yet.

He’s describing love in the complexity of real life.

Love when it’s sincere.
Love when it’s costly.
Love when it has to keep showing up.
Love when it has to bless instead of curse.
Love when it has to resist the instinct to repay hurt with hurt.

So Paul doesn’t give us one neat definition of love. He gives us a series of pictures.

He shows us what love looks like when it moves through the ordinary pressures of real life.

And he begins with the foundation underneath all of it.

Romans 12:9:

Love must be sincere. (Romans 12:9)

In the first-century world, the dominant cultural framework for relationships — especially in Roman society — was built around honor and status.

Relationships were often shaped by:

what you could gain
who you were connected to
how your standing might improve

Love, in that world, was often strategic. It was tied to advantage.

So when Paul writes “Love must be sincere,” he’s pushing against something much deeper than just being nice.

The word he uses carries the idea of something that is without pretense.

Not staged.
Not selective.
Not dependent on what you get back.

Which means Paul is redefining love in a way that would have felt disruptive.

He’s saying: Real love is not something you perform. It’s something that is true all the way through.

And this is one of those moments where it’s easy to nod along… and say, “Yeah, that makes sense…” until you start to think about what that actually looks like in your life.

Because most of us have categories for love that are much more manageable than this.

We know how to love:

when it’s appreciated
when it’s reciprocated
when it’s easy

But Paul is describing something that goes deeper than that.

In the original language, sincere literally means:

without hypocrisy
without pretense
without putting something on that isn’t actually there

Which means Paul is not just concerned with whether love is present. He’s concerned with whether it’s real.

Because it’s possible to do things that look like love… without actually loving.

You ever catch yourself in a conversation… where you’re listening… but also mentally preparing how to end it?

Like you’re already halfway out… but your body hasn’t left yet.

You’re nodding… you’re saying the right things… but internally you’re somewhere else.

You’re about 60% present… which is enough to maintain the relationship…

I had a moment like this not too long ago.

I was talking with someone after a service… and they were sharing something that was actually pretty important to them.

And I was doing all the right things.

I was nodding…
I was making eye contact…
I was saying things like, “Yeah, that makes sense…”

But somewhere in the middle of the conversation… I realized… I’m not actually here.

Like physically, I’m standing there… but mentally, I’m already onto the next conversation… or thinking about something I need to do… or half-processing something else entirely.

And in that moment, it hit me — I’m doing something that looks like love… but I’m not actually loving this person.

I’m present enough to be polite… but not present enough to really care.

Which is a strange place to be… because you’re hoping the conversation wraps up soon… and also hoping they don’t notice.

And that’s the kind of thing Paul is getting at when he says, ‘Love must be sincere.’

Because in the first-century Roman world, relationships were often shaped by honor and reciprocity.

You gave… in order to receive.
You helped… in order to build standing.
You associated with people… in ways that increased your influence.

So love wasn’t always relational — it was often strategic.

And if we’re honest… that hasn’t completely gone away.

There was an event that happened Monday night called the Met Gala.

If you saw it, it’s basically a room full of people presenting a version of themselves.

Everything is intentional — what they wear… how they walk in… how they’re photographed…

It’s not just about being there… it’s about being seen.

And to be clear — there’s nothing wrong with that. It’s an event. That’s what it’s for.

But what’s interesting is how easy it is for that mindset… to make its way into our relationships.

Where we’re not just showing up… we’re presenting. We’re managing how we come across… saying the right things… keeping things at the right level…

And Paul says — “Love must be sincere.”

In other words:

This is not about managing impressions.
This is not about maintaining appearances.
This is not about doing what looks right from the outside.

This is about something that’s true all the way through.

And that creates a different kind of tension for us. Because most of us don’t think of ourselves as insincere. We don’t wake up thinking, “I’m going to be fake today.”

But we do know how to be polite without being present.
We know how to be kind without being invested.
We know how to show up outwardly while holding back inwardly.
We know how to do just enough to maintain the relationship… without actually moving toward the person.

And Paul is saying — that’s not the kind of love I’m describing.

This is love that is integrated. — What’s true on the outside… is true on the inside.

And that’s where this connects back to everything we’ve already seen in chapter 12.

Because this kind of love is not something you manufacture. It’s not something you produce by trying harder.

It flows out of a life that’s being shaped by the mercy of God.

Because when your identity is not something you’re trying to protect… you don’t need to manage how you’re perceived in the same way.

And when you’re not trying to extract something from every interaction… you’re free to actually move toward people.

And that’s where love begins to become sincere.

Not because you’re trying to appear loving… but because something underneath is changing.

And this is important — because everything else Paul is about to say… depends on this.

If love is not sincere… then everything else becomes a version of:

performance
or obligation
or image

But if love is sincere… then what follows is not a list you’re trying to achieve… it’s a life that begins to take shape.

And then Paul immediately adds something that might feel like a shift — but it’s actually showing us where this kind of love is anchored.

He says:

Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. (Romans 12:9)

Paul starts with love… and then immediately introduces language that sounds strong — almost harsh: hate what is evil.

But what he’s actually doing is showing us something important: Real love is not passive.

Because if love is sincere… if it’s not just a performance… then it will have a shape. It will move in a direction. It will be anchored to something.

In the first-century world, especially in Roman culture, morality was often flexible — shaped by power, and status, and social norms.

What was considered “good” or “acceptable” could shift depending on:

who you were
what position you held
or what benefited you

So Paul is grounding love in something deeper.

He’s saying: Love is not just about how you feel toward people. It’s about what you’re committed to.

That word “hate” doesn’t mean emotional hostility toward people. It means a deep resistance… a settled opposition… to anything that distorts what is good.

Which means — If love is real… it will not tolerate what harms.

Not because it’s harsh… but because it cares.

We see this in everyday life.

If someone you care about is heading in a direction that’s going to hurt them… real love doesn’t just say: “Well… I support whatever you choose.”

Real love leans in. It speaks honestly. It resists what’s destructive. Because love is not indifferent.

And then Paul pairs it with: cling to what is good

That word “cling” is strong. It literally means:

to hold fast
to stay attached
to refuse to let go

So this is not casual goodness. This is not: “Yeah, I generally prefer good things…”

This is: “I am holding onto what is good… even when it’s costly.”

So when you put both sides together, Paul is saying: Real love is not just warm. It’s anchored. It resists what’s destructive… and it holds onto what brings life.

Because in our culture, love is often defined as:

acceptance without tension
or support without resistance
or affirmation without discernment

But Paul is describing something entirely different.

He’s saying: Love moves toward what’s good… even when that’s harder.

If you’ve ever had someone in your life who actually loved you well… you’ve experienced this.

Not just someone who was always nice… but someone who was honest. Someone who was willing to say something hard… not to win… but because they cared about you.

And at the time, you might not have liked it… but later, you realized — that was love.

Because there’s a difference between someone who supports everything you do… and someone who actually wants what’s best for you.

And again, this is not something you just decide to do. This kind of love flows out of a life that is being shaped by the mercy of God.

Because when your identity is secure… you don’t need relationships to stay comfortable at all costs.

You’re free to:

care deeply
and speak honestly
and stay connected

And then Paul continues, and he brings it even closer to home:

Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves. (Romans 12:10)

Paul moves from defining love… to showing how it actually takes shape between people.

And the language he uses here is intentional.

That word “devoted” is not casual. It comes from family language. It’s the kind of affection you would expect between close family members — a kind of love that’s:

steady
relationally committed
not easily withdrawn

Which means Paul is not describing: “Be friendly when it’s convenient.”

He’s describing something closer to: “Stay connected… even when it would be easier not to.”

And this would have been striking in the first-century world. Because relationships were often shaped by:

advantage
or shared status
or mutual benefit

You stayed close to people who were:

useful
or similar
or beneficial

But Paul is saying: In this community… devotion is not based on advantage. It’s based on something deeper.

Now, I think it’s important to mention — when Paul uses language like this… “be devoted to one another in love”… he’s describing something beautiful…

But also something that, for many of us, has not always been simple.

Because relationships are complex. And sometimes they don’t unfold the way we hoped they would.

And that doesn’t make these words less true… but it does remind us — this kind of love is not automatic.

So “Be devoted to one another…”

This is love that stays. Not perfectly. Not without tension. But with a posture that says: “I’m not quick to disconnect.”

Which, in a culture where you can unsubscribe from almost anything… is actually a very different way to live.

Paul adds another layer. He says:

Honor one another above yourselves. (Romans 12:10)

In the Roman world, honor was everything.

It was limited.
It was competitive.

If someone else was honored… that meant less honor for you.

So people were constantly asking:

Where do I stand?
Who notices me?
Who’s ahead?

And Paul flips that entire system. He says: “Honor one another above yourselves.”

Which means: Instead of trying to move yourself up… you move others up.

This is not:

thinking less of yourself
or disappearing
or pretending you don’t matter

This is: using your position… your attention… your influence… to recognize the value of someone else.

We don’t always talk about honor this way… but we still feel it.

We feel it when someone recognizes us…
When someone values what we’ve done…
When someone sees us clearly…

And we also feel it… when we’re overlooked.

You’ve probably had a moment like this… where someone else is being recognized for something…

and you’re clapping…

and you’re also thinking… I’ve done the same thing without being recognized.

It’s like… you’re celebrating them… and updating your resume in your head at the same time.

Which is why most of us, if we’re honest, are paying more attention to whether we’re being honored… than whether we’re giving it.

We don’t usually walk into a room thinking, “Who can I lift up today?”

It’s more like… “How am I coming across?”

So when you put both phrases together, Paul’s describing a community where people are:

committed to one another
and actively elevating one another

Not competing
Not comparing
Not positioning

This is what love looks like when it’s no longer centered on you.

You’ve probably experienced this at some point — someone who made you feel seen… not because they had to… but because they chose to.

Someone who noticed something in you… and named it… and in doing so, strengthened you.

That’s honor.

And Paul doesn’t stop there.

Because once love becomes sincere… once it’s anchored… once it begins to show up in devotion and honor… it continues to shape how you live over time.

Because it’s one thing to start well… it’s another thing to keep showing up.

And that’s where he takes us next:

Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. (Romans 12:11)

The word “zeal” carries the idea of engaged, intentional effort.

Because what usually erodes love over time… is not usually dramatic failure. It’s gradual disengagement… slow drift.

You don’t wake up one day and decide: “I’m done caring.” It’s more subtle than that.

You stop initiating.
You stop paying attention.
You start going through the motions.

Most of us don’t burn out all at once… we just gradually settle into “good enough.”

And Paul says, “Don’t let that happen.”

The phrase “keep your spiritual fervor” literally means:

stay spiritually awake
stay alive inside

Because the kind of love Paul is describing… cannot be sustained by personality alone.

And this is where he connects it: “…serving the Lord.”

Because now love is not just — about the other person, or about the relationship.

It’s connected to God.

Which means — the way you show up for people… is part of how you respond to God.

And that changes the motivation.

Because now you’re not only asking: “Are they responding the way I want?” You’re also asking: “Am I being faithful in how I’m showing up?”

That doesn’t make it easier… but it makes it more stable.

Because now your love is not entirely dependent on:

how someone else behaves
or how appreciated you feel
or how the moment is going

It’s anchored somewhere deeper.

Paul goes on the say:

Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. (Romans 12:12)

This is what fuels that kind of love.

He doesn’t say, “Be joyful in your circumstances…”

He says, “Be joyful in hope.”

Which means your joy is rooted in something ahead of you… not just what’s happening around you.

Because if your joy is tied only to what’s happening now… it will rise and fall constantly.

But hope anchors it.

“Patient in affliction.”

Because love doesn’t just operate in ideal conditions. It shows up in:

pressure
and disappointment
and misunderstanding
and difficulty

The word “patient” doesn’t mean passive. It means: to remain steady under weight.

Not rushing to escape… not reacting impulsively… but staying grounded.

Then he says, “Faithful in prayer…”

This is what ties it all together.

Because prayer is not just something you do when things fall apart. It’s how you stay connected to the source of your life.

It’s how your perspective is reshaped.
It’s how your heart is softened.
It’s how your strength is renewed.

And without it… love eventually becomes:

strained
or reactive
or exhausted

The kind of love Paul is describing here… will eventually wear you out… if you’re trying to sustain it on your own.

And then he brings it all the way down to everyday life:

Share with the Lord’s people who are in need. Practice hospitality. (Romans 12:13)

This is generosity that is responsive.

Not abstract.
Not theoretical.

It’s paying attention to what’s happening around you… and stepping toward it.

It’s not just about what you have… it’s about how you see what you have.

“Practicing hospitality” is one of the most overlooked parts of this passage.

Because hospitality, in this context, literally means: to make space for others.

Not just in your home… but in your life.

In the first century, this mattered deeply.

There were no hotels in the way we think of them. Travel was risky. Community depended on people opening their homes.

So hospitality was not: entertaining. It was: including.

So when you step back and look at verses 11–13… Paul is showing us this kind of love is:

sustained through zeal
grounded in hope, patience, and prayer
and expressed in generosity and hospitality

This is what love looks like when it doesn’t just start strong… but keeps showing up.

And now… he moves into what might be the most difficult expression of love in the entire passage.

Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. (Romans 12:14)

This is where love moves out of the realm of:

preference
or personality
or even general kindness

And into the reality of conflict.

Because now Paul is no longer talking about:

people who are easy to love
people who appreciate you
people who respond well

He’s talking about people who:

oppose you
misunderstand you
or actively work against you

And he says: “Bless them.”

Not ignore them.
Not tolerate them.
Not distance yourself internally while staying polite externally.

Bless them.

That word means:

to speak well of
to desire good for
to move toward their well-being

And then he repeats it: “Bless… and do not curse.”

Because he knows what our instinct is. Our instinct is not usually revenge in a dramatic sense… but it is:

to replay the moment
to justify our position
to diminish the other person

Most of us don’t think of ourselves as people who ‘curse’ others…

We just have very clear internal narratives about them.

You ever notice how quickly your mind can build a case?

Something happens… and within about 30 seconds… you’ve replayed the conversation… improved your responses… and assigned motives to the other person.

You’re like… “I don’t know why they did that… but I have a theory… and it’s not good.”

And Paul is saying: don’t go there.

Because loving someone who is kind to you… doesn’t reveal very much. But loving someone who is difficult… reveals what’s actually happening inside you.

Paul goes on:

Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. (Romans 12:15)

He shifts again — but it’s still connected. Because this is about entering into other people’s lives.

Not just behaviorally… but emotionally.

“Rejoice with those who rejoice…” sounds simple… until someone else experiences something you wanted.

This is where comparison shows up again.

Because it’s possible to say: “That’s great for you…” while something inside you says: “I wish that were happening for me.”

You can be celebrating someone… and processing your own disappointment at the exact same time.

“Mourn with those who mourn…” This is the other side.

Because some people don’t need:

answers
or explanations
or solutions

They just need someone to be present.

Which is harder than it sounds. Because most of us want to:

fix
or explain
or move past the discomfort

But Paul says: stay there.

Love doesn’t rush people through what they’re feeling.

Now Paul brings it to posture:

Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position. Do not be conceited. (Romans 12:16)

“Live in harmony…” doesn’t mean: everyone agrees and everything is easy.

It means: you’re moving toward peace… even when there’s tension.

“Do not be proud…”

In the Roman world, pride was not something you avoided — it was something you cultivated. You demonstrated your worth by:

who you were connected to
who you distanced yourself from
how you positioned yourself socially

So when Paul says: “Be willing to associate with people of low position…”

He’s not just talking about kindness. He’s dismantling an entire status system.

Because in that culture: who you spent time with said something about who you were.

And Paul says: don’t build your identity that way.

In our day, we don’t always use the same categories… we just call it something different.

We still ask:

Who do I align myself with?
Who elevates me?
Where do I belong?

We don’t call it status anymore… we call it networking.

The last thing Paul says there is, “Do not be conceited.”

Which brings it full circle back to verse 3.

Because once again: love and humility are connected.

So when you step back and look at this section… Paul is showing us:

Love:

blesses when it’s opposed
enters into people’s lives emotionally
and refuses to build identity on status

This is what love looks like when it’s under pressure.

And then Paul takes it even further. Because it’s one thing to love under tension… It’s another thing entirely… to love when you’ve been wronged.

Do not repay anyone evil for evil. (Romans 12:17)

This is where Paul takes everything he’s said and pushes it to its edge.

Because up to this point, you can still imagine yourself doing this.

being sincere…
being devoted…
honoring others…
staying engaged…

That’s hard — but it’s within reach.

But this — “Do not repay anyone evil for evil?”

Now we’re in a different category.

Because this is not about inconvenience. This is not about personality differences.

This is about: what do you do when someone has actually hurt you?

And Paul’s answer is direct: don’t let your response be shaped by what was done to you.

Because the moment it is… something else takes over.

And this is where what Paul is describing… stops being theoretical. Because every one of us has some version of this.

Maybe not at the same level… but we all know what it feels like to be wronged.

And then there are moments… that go far beyond that. Moments where what’s been taken… can’t be given back.

There’s a woman named Mary Johnson… She was a single mom… raising her son.

She got a phone call at work. Someone told her they had heard her son might be at the morgue.

She didn’t even know what that meant at first.

She called her sister… who called the police…

And when her sister called back… she said, “They’re coming to see you… so it must be true.”

Her son had been shot and killed.

He was 20 years old.

Three days later… they arrested the person who did it.

He was 16 years old.

Mary said… “That’s when the hate set in.”

She said, “Here I was… a Christian woman… full of hatred.”

In court… she looked at him… and she said she didn’t even see a person. She saw an animal.

And for years… she carried that.

The anger… the bitterness… the grief…

She said it drove people away. It shaped her life.

Until one day… something shifted.

She read a poem… about two mothers… one whose child had been murdered… and one whose child had done the murdering.

And for the first time… she saw something she had never seen before.

They were both in pain.

And she realized… she couldn’t move forward unless she actually forgave him.

So she made a decision…

She asked to meet him.

She went to the prison… sat across from the young man… who had taken her son’s life…

And she said to him, “I don’t know you… and you don’t know me… but we need to get to know each other.”

They talked for two hours.

He admitted what he had done.

And she said… for the first time… she saw how sorry he was.

And in that moment… she said… she truly forgave him.

He asked if he could hug her.

And she said yes.

She said when she left the room… she thought, “I just hugged the man who killed my son.”

And then she said… something inside her… lifted.

The hatred… was gone.

Years later… when he was released… she helped welcome him home.

And over time… they live as neighbors… in the same community.

When you hear a story like that… it’s almost hard to process.

Because that kind of love… is not natural.

That’s not personality.
That’s not preference.
That’s not just being nice.

That’s the kind of love Paul is describing.

“Bless those who persecute you…” — That’s what it looks like.

“Do not repay evil for evil…” — That’s what it looks like.

“Do not take revenge…” — That’s what it looks like.

“Overcome evil with good…” — That’s what it looks like.

And when you step back and look at everything Paul has said… this is what real love looks like.

It’s sincere.
It’s anchored.
It’s devoted.
It shows up.
It stays.

And when it’s tested… it doesn’t return hurt for hurt.

And if we’re honest… that kind of love… is beyond us.

We don’t drift into that. We don’t manufacture that.

That kind of love… has to come from somewhere deeper.

Which is why Paul never separates this kind of love… from the mercy of God.

Because this is the kind of love that we’ve been shown.

A love that didn’t repay evil for evil.
A love that moved toward us.
A love that absorbed what was done… and responded with grace.
A love that didn’t keep score.

And when that kind of love becomes more than an idea… when it actually starts to settle into your life…

it begins to change how you respond in moments that matter.

Most of us will never face something like what Mary did.

But all of us will face moments… where we have to decide…

Will I let what’s been done to me… shape who I become?

Or will I respond… with a different kind of love?

Alright, would you pray with me as the worship team comes to lead us in a closing song.