Life is Better When You Forgive

Have you ever had to carry something really heavy for a long period of time?

I remember doing landscaping work in my yard when I lived in Sunol.

I had this idea to border the garden with big stones from the creek that ran behind my house.

I carried one stone after another from the creek to the garden. They were heavy stones that I had to carry over our bridge, around our house, and to the garden. It was a lot of work.

That was the image I got this week as I was thinking of about those us who carry grudges.

It’s bad enough to carry something that weighs down your body…

but to carry something that’s going to crush your spirit
to carry something that’s going to weigh down your soul
to carry something that’s going to burden your heart

That’s what we choose to do when we carry a grudge.

We actually have some interesting language about grudges. We talk about them the way we talk about babies.

We can carry a grudge.
We can hold a grudge.
We can put it on our shoulders and bear a grudge.
We can nurse a grudge.

When you nurse something, you feed it so you can keep it alive… and when you feed it it grows.

You can do that with a grudge.

You can feed it real hostile thoughts.
You can feed it angry feelings.
You can feed it distorted perceptions.
You can feed it hostile intentions.
You can feed it until eventually, what was once a little grudge becomes a full grown grudge.

People will walk around, carrying grudges for weeks or months or years.

Now, you don’t think anyone would ever volunteer to carry a grudge because it’s heavy.
It weighs you down.
It doesn’t bring you joy.

No one says to themselves, “I can’t wait to get up this morning and pick up my grudge and carry it all through the day. This is going to be a tremendous day, me and this grudge of mine.”

No one says that, but people do it everyday.

In a warped, twisted kind of way, the truth is there’s a little dark part of us that likes carrying a grudge because it makes us feel kind of superior.

Two monks are out for a walk in the forrest.

These monks come from a particular sect that believe they should never touch a woman.

So these two monks have never touched a woman in their adult life.

They come to a river where a woman is trying to get across. It’s been a rainy season so the water is high and flowing fast… and she can’t get across to get to her village.

So she asks the monks, “Will you help me across?”

One monk just shakes his head and says, “No, sorry, I’m not allowed to help you.”

But the other monk decides, “Okay.”

So he lifts the woman onto his shoulder and carries her through the river, safely to the other side… where she’s safe to travel the rest of the way to her village.

As the two monks continue on their journey, the one monk is quite upset about the fact that the other monk touched a woman.

He’s just shaking his head for the next hour of the journey in disgust at the fact that this monk would violate their oath and touch a woman like that.

Finally, the first monk said, “What’s the matter?”

The other monk said, “I just can’t believe you carried that woman.”

He said, “I only carried her for a minute, you’ve been carrying her for the last hour. You’re still carrying that woman.”

There’s something about the experience of righteous indignation that feeds this sense that, “I’m a better person than you.”

The truth is…

even though it will never contribute to your authentic joy
even though it will never make you a more loving person
even though it will lead you away from the life that you want to live

There’s a little dark part inside all of us that kind of likes to carry a grudge. We like nursing it. That’s why there’s so many of them.

The reality is, every human being that walks the face of this earth has been hurt by other human beings, and we all carry grudges.

Sometimes family members reject one another and don’t speak to each other for years because of unresolved conflict.

Sometimes there are people who work together, and they live in a state of suspicion or jealousy or anonymity for months or years.

Sometimes people who used to be friends get hurt, and they just drift apart. They never even talk about why. They don’t even know what happened. There’s just a vacancy where there used to be a friend.

Sometimes people attend the same church and worship the same God. They go week after week, year after year, with judgment and bitterness and hostility in their heart. They sit together in the same room. They listen to the same messages from God’s Word, but they’re carrying a grudge.

I want to introduce you to a character in the Bible. He’s kind of an obscure character. You may have never heard of him, but I think he might be called the patron saint of the grudge.

His name is Lamech. Lamech is mentioned in Genesis 4, just a couple generations after Adam and Eve.

He was a descendent of Cain.

And to get his story we need to understand one aspect of Cain’s story.

Cain killed his brother Abel.

The writer of Genesis says that Cain was afraid someone would try to take revenge on him.

So God put a mark on Cain. It’s called the “mark of Cain.”

God said that mark would be a reminder that if anyone tried to take revenge on Cain, if anyone killed him, that person would be avenged seven times over.

The mark of Cain is kind of a warning, because God realizes that once the human race gives in to the desire for revenge it will destroy itself.

God says human beings are not to take vengeance into their own hands.

A couple generations later, Lamech is born as a descendent of Cain.

We’re told two things about him:

One is that he was married to two women named Adah and Zillah.

No one had ever done that before.

It had been quite clear in the first chapters of Genesis that God’s intention was that a man should cleave to his wife and the two are to become one flesh — one husband, one wife.

Lamech is the character who introduces polygamy to the human race in the Bible.

One day someone hurt Lamech. We don’t know any of the details. It might have been an accident, but it festered in him. The more he thought about it, the angrier he got.

That’s the way bitterness works. The more you think about it, the more toxic it becomes.

He decided to get even… so he killed the person who hurt him.

Afterwards, he bragged about it.

In Hebrew, it was kind of a poem. Take a look. These are the words of Lamech.

Adah and Zillah, listen to me;
wives of Lamech, hear my words.
I have killed a man for wounding me,
a young man for injuring me.
If Cain is avenged seven times,
then Lamech seventy-seven times. (Genesis 4:23-24)

He’s basically saying, “You thought it was bad to mess with Cain, that’s nothing compared to messing with me.”

You notice he expresses no sense of guilt, no remorse. In his mind, he is absolutely justified. His enemy had it coming.

That’s the way bitterness works. You can justify anything if you get bitter enough.

This is what might be called the “Law of Lamech.”

What we’re talking about today is the Law of Lamech — “You hurt me, I’ll hurt you back; I’ll hurt you worse; I’ll make you pay.”

Notice the math in his statement: seventy-seven times over.

That’s the way bitterness works. A bitter spirit is never satisfied.

A bitter spirit never says, “Okay, I’ve inflicted enough pain on you. Now I feel content.” It’s never enough.

Lamech boasts about this to his wives, “Wives of Lamech, listen to me.”

Why does he do that?

How many of you are married? Or you’ve been married.

How many of you have ever experienced conflict in that relationship?

Do you think this might intimidate you a little bit if your spouse said, “I’ve killed a man for wounding me, so you don’t want to mess with me.”

Well Jesus comes along and says, “There are a lot of ways to kill someone.”

He said this to some people who prided themselves on their righteousness and how religious they were, because they never actually committed outright murder.

He said:

“You know what? You may have never committed murder. But if you think love is just about murder avoidance, you’re sadly mistaken.

“There are a lot of ways you can kill someone.

You can do it with harsh words.
You can do it with gossip.
You can just cherish anger in your heart.
You can just withdraw.

You keep doing that day after day, week after week. Over time you find that where you once had a heart of love toward a husband or wife, toward a mom or a dad, toward a brother or a sister, toward a friend or a business partner, one day you find you’re carrying a grudge.

All the joy
All the generosity of spirit
All the goodness
All the humanity is getting choked out of you

You say to yourself, “I’m no Lamech. I haven’t murdered anyone.”

Well, that’s true, but there are a lot of forces conspiring to crush the love out of your heart, to keep you from ever becoming the kind of person that you want to be — more importantly, that God wants you to be —

forces of judgmentalism
and coldness
and anger
and bitterness
and meanness of spirit

All of that stuff is working inside of you.

And it’s just a matter of time until it pervades your whole personality.

Well, I’m here to tell you today — there’s a better way.

Jesus Christ, the greatest person who ever lived, was sent by God to this earth.

I don’t know what you think about Jesus. That’s up to you.

But Jesus came, among other things, to proclaim to people in light of God’s love, in the presence of God’s kingdom:

There’s another alternative.
There’s another way that you can respond to the hurts of life.
There’s a better way.
And that is… you can forgive.

Peter, one of the disciples, came up to Jesus one day. Like Lamech, Peter has been hurt by someone. We don’t know how. We don’t know any of the details, but it happened several times.

This is from Matthew 18.

Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive someone who sins against me? Up to seven times?” (Matthew 18:21)

Now, to understand the context of this encounter, we need to say a word about the probable setting for this conversation between Jesus and Peter.

In the Jewish calendar, one of the most important times of the year was between New Year’s Day, Rosh Hashanah, and what was called The Day of Atonement.

There was a ten-day period between the beginning of the New Year and the Day of Atonement.

People would get ready for the Day of Atonement — they’d pray, they’d fast.

But the single most important thing a person would do to get ready for the Day of Atonement was to make sure they reconciled or sought to reconcile with anyone that they were in a relational mess with.

They said, “No human being should ever dare approach God with a bitter heart toward someone else.”

So the main thing people would do to get ready for the Day of Atonement was to focus on the past and reconciling with other people in their lives.

You wouldn’t see anyone carrying a grudge around on the Day of Atonement.

Now, there’s a real good chance this is what Peter is doing.

In this particular passage of the New Testament, Jesus is teaching at length on reconciliation.

Scholars think there’s a real good possibility that he was doing this teaching during those ten days when this was on everyone’s mind.

It occurs to Peter there’s someone who has hurt him a bunch of times.

“There’s a barrier between us, and it’s the other guy’s fault. I’m the innocent party, so why do I have to keep forgiving him? Why do I have to initiate reconciliation? Shouldn’t he at least have to make the first move? How many times do I have to forgive him? Seven times?”

Peter thinks he’s being quite generous with this. He expects Jesus to say:

“Wow, you’re willing to forgive seven times? Good move, Peter. I’m really impressed. That’s more than I do.”

But Jesus doesn’t say that.

Look at Jesus’ response. Again, this is recorded by Matthew.

Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times. (Matthew 18:22)

Where do you think Jesus got that number seventy-seven? Do you think he just pulled it out of thin air?

Jesus knew the Old Testament backward and forward. He chose that number very deliberately.

Jesus is doing a fabulous thing here.
He’s doing a beautiful thing.
He’s now reversing the Law of Lamech.

It has been in operation ever since the downward spiral of the human race.

He’s saying, “Peter, if you want to, you can follow the Law of Lamech.

You can harbor bitterness and resentment.
You can carry a grudge the rest of your life.
You can do that if you want to…

Or you can follow me.
You can show mercy.
You can forgive from your heart.
You can seek to be reconciled with another person.

Peter, put down the grudge.
If you want to follow me, Peter, you have to put down the grudge.

You can carry a grudge… or you can follow me. You cannot do both.

Jesus tells a story to drive home how serious he is.

Matthew 18:

Therefore, the kingdom of heaven is like a king who wanted to settle accounts with his servants. As he began the settlement, a man who owed him ten thousand bags of gold was brought to him. (Matthew 18:23)

This is the key to the story. Ten thousand bags of gold was more money than the people of Israel had to pay to Rome as a national debt each year. It was bigger than that.

It was such a large amount of money it would have been impossible for one person to think of ever paying it off.

Verse 25:

Since he was not able to pay, the master ordered that he and his wife and his children and all that he had be sold to repay the debt.

At this the servant fell on his knees before him. “Be patient with me,” he begged, “and I will pay back everything.”

The servant’s master took pity on him, canceled the debt and let him go. (Matthew 18:25-27)

The master not only says, “All right, I won’t have you sent to jail,” he also says, “You don’t have to pay the debt. I’ll forgive the debt.”

Now, this is key to understanding the story. In a situation like that, the debt doesn’t just disappear. Debts never just disappear. Somebody has to pay.

Who’s going to take the loss? Who’s going to pay the debt?

The CEO, the master is. That’s God.

Well, this employee then in turn finds someone who owes him money, but it’s like pocket change.

Verse 28:

But when that servant went out, he found one of his fellow servants who owed him a hundred silver coins. He grabbed him and began to choke him. ‘Pay back what you owe me!’ he demanded.

His fellow servant fell to his knees and begged him, ‘Be patient with me, and I will pay it back.’

Now, you’d expect after being forgiven a mountain of debt, he would also forgive this little pebble of debt — that he would also show mercy, but he doesn’t.

But he refused. Instead, he went off and had the man thrown into prison until he could pay the debt.

When the other servants saw what had happened, they were outraged and went and told their master everything that had happened. (Matthew 18:28-31)

When the master hears what happened, he calls the employee back in for a second round. But the second round goes a whole lot different than the first round.

Verse 32:

Then the master called the servant in. ‘You wicked servant,’ he said, ‘I canceled all that debt of yours because you begged me to. Shouldn’t you have had mercy on your fellow servant just as I had on you?’

These are the words of Jesus.

In anger his master handed him over to the jailers to be tortured, until he should pay back all he owed.

Then there is this sentence. Jesus said:

This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother or sister from your heart. (Matthew 18:32-35)

I just want to stop for a moment and leave those words up on that screen and let them sink in.

These are what I think are some of the most sobering words in the Bible.

There’s a whole lot of people — and to tell you the truth, sometimes people in churches — who live as if Jesus didn’t really say this, as if Jesus didn’t really mean this.

“This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother or sister from your heart.”

In case anyone is wondering whether Jesus could possibly be serious about this kind of thing, he makes a very similar statement, an identical idea in another place.

Matthew records this in chapter 6. Jesus says:

For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins. (Matthew 6:14)

I think those are some of the scariest words in the Bible.

Jesus says to us all that if we’re walking around with unresolved bitterness and resentment, and we refuse to do the work of forgiveness and to seek reconciliation with other people, we’re at severe spiritual risk.

I’ll tell you what I think. I think the only thing that allows one human being to withhold forgiveness from someone else, to walk around carrying a grudge, is when I forget, when I live in a kind of denial of the infinitely greater amount of forgiveness that I need from God.

My forgiveness came at the cost of the cross. It came at the price of the death of God’s Son. That’s how much it cost for my forgiveness.

I think the only way I can harden my spirit and choke someone else — tell someone else I’m not going to forgive them — is when I forget how much I need forgiveness.

And I am deeply in need of forgiveness, more deeply than you can imagine.

I need forgiveness for my pride
for my self-centeredness
for prejudice
for deception
for cruelty
for apathy
and the list can go on and on

That’s just the truth about me.

And because I have access to my inner world, it’s a deeper truth to me than anyone else could know.

The writers of scripture say that’s true for each one of us.

The cost of our forgiveness to God was monumental. It cost him the life of his Son to forgive me and to forgive you.

Therefore, there is only one safe place to carry a grudge, and that place is to the foot of the cross.

Here’s the funny thing about us: Someone hurts me, and as long as my mind is focused on that hurt, as long as it’s focused on what that person did, I can convince myself I have every right to carry this grudge.

I can rationalize all kinds of bitterness.
My thoughts can keep circling and circling around that for years.
But when I take my eyes off of it and look at the cross, it’s a different story.
Because Jesus says, “No, you don’t have a right to that. I already paid the price for the forgiveness of every sin.”

I’m wondering today, whatever grudge you’re carrying around, would you be willing today to lay it at the foot of the cross?
Whatever your hurt and your bitterness is, would you be willing to lay it at the foot of the cross and remember again the price that was paid for your forgiveness and for mine?

I really do believe the only safe place to carry a grudge is to the foot of the cross.

Now, I know what a hard thing it can be to forgive. I know some of you are thinking, “There’s no way.”

There’s someone you’ve had financial dealings with — an employer, a client, a business partner or a boss — and you trusted them and they used you. They used you for their gain. They didn’t care a thing about your loss. They did it deliberately, and you just feel violated.

Maybe you have an ex-spouse that raked you over the coals.

Maybe you have a family member who damaged your heart — who did mean, cold things to you.

Maybe you have someone that you thought was a friend, who said things to you or said things about you to someone else that wounded you to the core.

Inside you there’s something that says, “There’s no way. Let them out of that prison? Set that stone down? Give them a free pass? There’s no way.”

Well let me tell you a story that will hopefully illustrate why this is so important.

Dan Fountain served for many years as a missionary doctor in Africa. He was there when the AIDS pandemic broke out and his clinic was soon overwhelmed with women who had been afflicted by the disease.

At that time, the anti-viral medicines that can slow the progress of the disease were not widely available. Furthermore, even if they had been available, the cost of these medicines would have been prohibitive for any of the women who came to his clinic.

In most cases, these women had become HIV-positive because of cheating husbands who had brought the disease home.

In many cases, these infected women had given birth to children who also would become victims of AIDS.

These women were not only sick and frightened, they were extremely angry at their husbands.

Many of them knew that they would soon be dead, leaving the children they loved without anyone to care or provide for them.

Dr. Fountain wasn’t able to do much to solve their medical problems, but being a Christian missionary, he cared about more than just their physical ailments. He was concerned about the grudges they were carrying.

In response, he set up Bible studies and prayer groups to deal with the whole issue of anger, and he did his best to teach these women what Jesus had to say about forgiveness and how to forgive.

He taught them how to find peace of mind and heart through prayer, and how to be empowered by the Holy Spirit to forgive their husbands who had brought havoc into their lives.

To his surprise, Dr. Fountain saw some amazing results from these prayer and Bible study groups.

He realized that, as a woman learned to forgive, the progress of her disease was slowed dramatically.

No cures occurred, but when the women became able to forgive and to love through the power of the Holy Spirit, certain chemical enzymes secreted by their brains had a powerful effect on the disease they were fighting.

This led to Dr. Fountain’s presentation of a paper at a major medical association meeting, explaining how loving forgiveness nurtured by prayer had a similar effect to the antiviral medicines the women in Africa could not afford.

There was a miracle that happened in forgiveness… and it was able to be measured scientifically.

Many of you have been carrying around grudges for a long time.

Will you set it down? For your own sake, will you set it down?

I want to tell you something. There is no miracle in the world like the miracle of forgiveness. There is none.

I tell you this without apology. There is no miracle in the world like it.

You can, if you want to, live by the Law of Lamech. And I’ll bet you, if you want to you can convince yourself that you’re justified in it.

that your judgmental spirit
that your hardness
that your bitterness
that your anger
that your resentment that goes on day after day… is fully rationalized because of what the other person did.

You can justify that to yourself if you want to. You can carry that grudge to the grave, but I hope you don’t because life is too short, and it will kill you.

I don’t know how badly you’ve been hurt. I know some of you have been hurt real bad, in some cases over a long period of time.

I hope you’ll put it down.

I hope you’ll forgive.

It may take a long time.

If you need help get help. The best book I know on the subject of forgiveness is a book called “Forgive and Forget” by a man named Lew Smedes.

You can order a used copy from Amazon for only a few dollars. I hope you get it. I hope you just immerse yourself in it.

If you need to talk to a good Christian counselor, talk to a good Christian counselor.

If you need to make a phone call, make it.

If you need to write a note, write it today.

Maybe you need to go to a door that has been closed for a long time… and you need to knock on that door. Go there and knock. Do it today.

Maybe it will take a lot of time and a lot of effort and a lot of persistence, a lot of wisdom, a lot of counsel.

Because just to forgive someone can be quite a difficult thing, and then to seek reconciliation — that’s a two way deal. That requires two people. That’s harder yet.

Maybe it will take a lot of time and a lot of work and a lot of effort and lot of prayer.

Then give it a lot of time and a lot of work and a lot of effort and pray a ton.

I’ll tell you… there is no miracle like the miracle of forgiveness.

If you’re a follower of Jesus, if you love God, you’ve been forgiven an infinite debt.

What God has given you, you’ve got to give to the hurting, hurtful people around you. You’ve got to give it.

Alright, let me pray for us.