Concerning Married Life

We’re going to spend the next couple weeks in 1 Corinthians 7 talking about married life and single life.

Today the focus will be marriage.

Paul says in 1 Corinthians 7:3:

The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. (1 Corinthians 7:3)

The context here is sex — because some in Corinth were teaching that men should not have sex with women. They were teaching abstinence within marriage.

Paul said married couples should not deprive one another of sex.

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Now, he uses the word duty, which could be translated, obligation, or responsibility, or commitment.

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Which I’d like to focus on today — our marital responsibility or commitment.

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So that we don’t end up like the couple who came into a lawyer’s office asking for help in getting a divorce.

The unusual thing about this couple was — they were in their 90s.

This couple, in their 90s, is asking for a divorce.

The lawyer said, “How long have you been married?”

They say, “We’ve been married for 70 years.”

He said, “70 years? Why would you come in my office wanting a divorce now after 70 years?”

They said, “We wanted to wait until after the children died.”

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Okay, so that probably never happened.

I don’t know… it may have, but probably not.

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I want to think with you today about what a marriage is built on. What serves as the foundation for a marriage relationship?

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And I’d like to start by considering weddings.

When it comes to a wedding, what parts are optional, and what’s absolutely essential? What’s a non-negotiable element that makes a wedding a wedding?

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There’s lots of different things we associate with weddings. Expensive clothes for example. A bride wears a dress that someone (usually her dad) pays a lot of money for.

Then there’s the bridesmaid’s dresses.

Every bride tells her bridesmaids, “This time the bridesmaid’s dresses will be really nice. You’ll be able to wear them to other events.” But you never can. They always look goofy.

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And the groom wears a tuxedo, but generally he only rents it because it costs less money.

Frankly, no one cares how the groom looks. No one says, “The groom looked radiant,” at a wedding.

There are no magazines called “Modern Groom.”

The groom’s tuxedo is optional. And frankly, the groom is almost optional.

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You could do a wedding without expensive clothes.

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At almost every wedding, there’s one person who has the vision of what a wedding ought to look like — one person who wants to be in total control of the wedding. And we call this person the mother of the bride.

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I’ve done a lot of weddings. I’ve seen lots of mothers of the bride. The mother of the bride is optional.

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Most weddings have receptions, music, candles, flowers, guest books, ushers. But none of those are strictly necessary. You could have a wedding, if you had to, without any of them.

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The non-negotiable element that makes a wedding a wedding — is a vow. Or a commitment or a promise. Everything else is disposable.

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Which is a funny thing, because people generally give infinitely more thought and planning to other parts of the wedding — which are really peripheral deals — and often they don’t give much thought at all to the vows they will make.

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Walt Wangerin put it like this:

Marriage begins with a promise. A man and a woman stand in a church, or a chapel on a platform, or in a garden, or in a backyard before each other and before witnesses and before the God who created them. And they make a vow. They make a promise. They give their word. A promise offered; a promise received; a promise witnessed; a promise kept.

That’s where marriage begins. That’s what makes a marriage. It starts with a promise.

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And the time frame that this promise involves is staggering.

A man and a woman stand before witnesses and the God who created them and say, “I promise this to you as long as…”

Not as long as it’s convenient.
Not as long as you keep making me happy.
Not even as long as you love me back.
Not as long as it’s easy.
Not as long as the feelings of love are there.

It’s “as long as we both shall live, ‘til death do us part.”

The reason a wedding vow is such a moving and wonderful and intimidating thing is it’s a lifetime deal. It is a no-matter-what-happens promise.

It’s about as close as two finite, human beings can get to what it is that God does for us when he makes what the Bible calls a covenant — a vow of unfailing, unending, no-matter-what love.

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A man and a woman stand before each other and give their word that here in this world where there is so much change and uncertainty and unpredictability and undependability, there is now one little oasis of certainty.

There is one unalterable truth that you can bet your life on — for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, sickness or health. You can count on this promise: “I give you my word this day. This is my solemn vow.”

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This leads to a very important question for anyone here who is married or who might be married someday.

When you get married, when you stand on that platform and exchange rings, what exactly are you committing to? What is it precisely that you’re promising you will do ‘til death do you part?

Because we can’t promise everything.

Sometimes when people get married, and I’ve seen lots of people get married, they’ll say it’s for reasons like: “It’s because he makes me so happy.”

Well, you can’t promise you’ll always do that.

I didn’t stand before Kathy and say, “I promise every single day we’re married you will experience more passion and sheer joy than you did the day before.”

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We’ve been married for 28 years and sooner or later there will come a day when she will be disappointed.

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You’re not promising to be responsible for another person’s life or another person’s happiness. And the person that you marry doesn’t promise that to you.

And if you get confused about that, you’ll be miserable.

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Here’s what the promise is about. We need to go all the way back to the beginning.

The writer of Scripture in Genesis says this is God’s intent in marriage:

For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh. (Genesis 2:24)

This is what the apostle Paul was referencing in 1 Corinthians 6 when he said, “The two shall become one.”

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In a phrase, you are promising to pursue oneness — a uniquely committed oneness with another human being —

Oneness of heart.
Oneness of mind.
Oneness of spirit.
Oneness of soul.
Oneness of knowing each other.
Oneness of serving each other.
Oneness of mutual submission.
Oneness of mutual accountability.
Oneness of complete honesty and vulnerability.
And a oneness that builds a life and a family together.

The two shall become one.

You gave your word.

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Here’s the question I have to ask you today:

How are you doing with your promise? How’s your vow going?

I’m not asking you about how your spouse is doing. That’s another conversation. How are you doing?

Because you gave your word. You made a promise.

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If you’re married, you’re probably wearing a wedding ring. Look at your ring for a moment.

When you put that ring on you said, “With this ring I seal my promise.”

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How’s your promise going?

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I want to invite every couple in this room to sit down this week, maybe today, but sometime this week. Sit down together and ask each other this question:

How is my promise going?
How am I doing?
Are there any areas where I’m close to breaking faith with you?

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This is worth your best effort.

Sit down sometime this week with your spouse and answer this question as honestly as you can.

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Because there are two ways people can break a promise — this promise of oneness.

They can take big exits from their relationship or they can take little exits.

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Now big exits are the obvious ones. They’re quite dramatic.

Little exits are much more subtle. And this distinction is a very important one for what we’re talking about today.

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And I just want to make sure it’s real clear.

So I want to share examples of exits that people can take, and then I want to ask you to say out loud little or big when I ask you, “What kind of an exit is it?”

Okay, here’s the first option: Divorce

Little or big?

That’s a big exit.

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Second one: Pouting

Is that a little exit or a big exit?

That’s a little one.

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Next one: Golf

Little or big?

There’s a lack of consensus there.

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Okay, next one: Murder

That would be a big exit.

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Last one: Blaming

Maybe something like blaming your spouse because one of you sometimes, unintentionally forgets to replace the toilet paper roll… which is understandable because he’s thinking about teaching a message.

Little or big?

Very small… very, very small… tiny.

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Big exits — like divorce, or abandonment, or adultery — are the ones that get attention in our day. They get books written about them and messages preached on them.

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And some of you have been deeply, deeply wounded and scarred by a big exit.

Some of you are in pain over one right now. You may even be experiencing some anxiety about what I’m saying right now.

Some of you are close to divorce. You may not know what God has to say about it, but you’re planning on doing it anyway.

And you know what, I’m sure there are many people in this room, who have been through divorce, who would be glad to stand up and say, “Don’t do it. Don’t take that big exit.”

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One study of divorced couples showed that just one year after the divorce —

60% of the men and 73% of the women said, “I wish we would have tried harder. We probably made a mistake.”

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I’m interested in how a couple ends up at this big exit. How does it happen?

Because no one stands before friends and family and the God who created them on their wedding day and makes a vow, and intends to take a big exit one day.

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But they don’t just come out of the blue either.

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Every time you see a couple take a big exit, you can count on this — they have taken a thousand little exits that led up to it.

They have engaged in activities that have eroded oneness over and over and over.

They have withheld. They have refrained from saying words and engaging in actions that could have built oneness.

They have refrained from that over and over and over. Day after day, week after week…

They have hidden a little.
Or withdrawn a little.
Or resented a little.
Or fantasized a little.

Never at one of those points did they say, “My marriage is at stake here.” Never did they say, “I think I’ll break my promise today.”

They just took little exits day after day — hardly noticeable.

But you add up enough little exits, and the big exit is just a matter of time.

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Maybe you turn on the TV.
Maybe you go to the garage to work on projects.
Maybe you get immersed in romance novels or social media.
Maybe you fantasize about someone else.
Maybe you start withholding physical affection or sex.

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I just want to say something at this point to those of you who are married. As part of honoring your vow for oneness, you need to make a decision today that you’re going to close the door to these little exits.

As best you can, with God’s help, you’re going to seek to close the door to these little exits.

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Now I want to make one other distinction at this point.

There is a difference between taking an exit, which by definition always involves damaging community, damaging oneness. There’s a very important distinction between taking an exit versus allowing space and honoring independence for husbands and wives to be two separate people.

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The order in Scripture is quite clear — “First, a man must leave his father and mother.”

And you understand that’s not just a geographical detail.

That’s talking about a person coming into fullness of adulthood — unique identity, unique temperament and will.

These must be two separate people with their own gifts, their own likes, their own desires, their own temperaments.

Closing exits does not mean I’m supposed to want to share every spare waking moment with my spouse and engage only in those pastimes that we can do together.

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In the time that remains, I want to help us to identify those key areas in a marriage where you will choose to either take a little exit or build a bridge.

I don’t want to focus on the big exits in this talk.

I want to get crystal clarity on the little ones that lead up to them, because I believe that if you will do honest work here — if you’re married now or maybe someday — if you will identify the little exits that you are likely to take and agree to close them off and commit with God’s help to building bridges, I believe any marriage can experience serious improvement.

If you have a marriage that’s already pretty good, it can grow to new levels of closeness and intimacy and spiritual growth in each of your lives, and be a blessing to the people around you, and help to create a culture of healthy marriages.

And I believe if you’re in a distressed marriage today, but you really are open with God’s help to honestly acknowledging little exits that you’ve been taking and to say today, “No more. I’m going to seal those off. I’m going to start building bridges.” I really do believe, with God’s help, that there’s not a single marriage here that cannot experience significant, serious improvement.

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Alright, just a couple areas.

The first one I want to talk about is Deceit.

When you got married, you promised to be faithful.

Now the big exit, if you want to violate faithfulness, is to have an affair and commit adultery.

But little exits involve the practice of deceit — because when I get married, I promise to be truthful and dependable.

First and most obviously this means I promise not to lie to you.

The writer of Proverbs says:

The Lord detests lying lips, but he delights in people who are trustworthy. (Proverbs 12:22)

That’s strong language.

Why does God detest lying lips?

It’s because they hurt people so badly.

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Lying lips destroy trust. And when you’re in a relationship that’s built on the ultimate of trust, which marriage is, lying lips do enormous damage.

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I talked to someone recently whose spouse had been deliberately, systematically lying about very serious misbehavior on her part.

And now it has all come into the open, and it has shattered their relationship, and it has broken a heart.

Because marriage is built on trust, and trust is built on truth.

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But there are a lot of subtle ways to break this promise, to take this little exit.

Let me share one with you. This happened to me a while ago.

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I made plans to go golfing with a friend, but I didn’t tell my wife Kathy.

Now, let me say something here about men and women. And I’m stereotyping I know, but this has been my experience.

Men tend to want to be independent. They want to be able to make a decision to go golfing without having to consult with someone in order to do it.

Women tend to have a desire for connectedness. They want to be a part of the decision making process. Their desire isn’t for control. It’s for connection.

So Kathy saw me put my golf clubs in the car before leaving for work in the morning, and she asked me, “Are you golfing today?”

Now her question wasn’t really, “Are you golfing today?” Her question was, “Do you realize we don’t have golf in the budget?”

I said something like, “Yeah, but I’ll be home for dinner at 6:00.”

I was in a hurry and because of my stubbornness I didn’t feel I needed to mention that the guy I was golfing with was paying.

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Now, what did Kathy do at that point?

Did she yell and scream? No. She’s a pastor’s wife. She doesn’t do things like that.

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At dinner that night I noticed Kathy was quiet.

And rather than talking about it, I decided to withdraw a bit.

I didn’t look her in the eye the way that I usually would. I didn’t touch her as much as I usually would. I gave more attention to our kids and less attention to her.

And you know how this is — after you’ve been married for a while, you can gauge this with incredible finesse.

Just enough so that I know she notices it real clearly, but little enough so that if she says to me, “Is something wrong?” then I can say, “No, there’s nothing wrong. Why, do you have a problem with something?”

Some of you know exactly what I’m talking about. It’s a little exit.

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Now, if you had asked me in that moment if I was doing something wrong, I would have said, “No,” because in my mind I wasn’t doing anything wrong.

I wasn’t yelling or throwing things.

But I was violating truth.

The truth was I was frustrated, but I didn’t want to admit it because it was kind of embarrassing. I didn’t want to admit it to her; I didn’t even want to admit it to myself. So, I withdrew.

I decided at some level in my being to use distance and manipulation and silence to pressure her into reading my mind and, in the future, conforming to my will.

And this all happened so quickly and so automatically I was hardly aware that I made that decision.

The truth is I broke my promise in that moment just a little bit.

It was just a small exit.

But you add up enough little exits like that in a relationship day after day, year after year, and eventually, a big exit becomes a matter of time.

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You know a very key moment in any relationship, especially in marriage, comes when there’s something wrong, when there’s tension in the air, when oneness is not being fully experienced and you both know it, and one person says, “What’s the matter? What’s wrong?”

That’s a key moment.

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Now, I want to tell you I know very well how difficult it is to respond in a constructive way in that moment.

I grew up in Chicago where people are kind of odd about this sort of emotional confrontation. We’re taught to say “nothing” from our first day on this earth.

A man could be dying. Someone could ask, “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing. Everything is fine.”

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So I want to give you a one-word answer the next time something is off and you’re having a hard time talking about it, and someone in your life says, “What’s wrong?”

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Something

Just that one word — something.

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And it may be difficult to unpack it, but at least then you’re naming reality.

So if nothing else, remember that word.

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Now if you say that word, it may get a little scary, because you’re going to have to do some hard work. You’re going to have to examine yourself… examine your heart and your feelings.

You’re going to have to ask…

Why am I angry or hurt or afraid or frustrated?
What if once I acknowledge there’s something wrong I can’t talk about it in a smooth sounding way?
What if I can’t say it right?
What if we can’t resolve it?
What if I look foolish and childish?

Let me let you in on a little secret: You are foolish and childish… and so am I.

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And if you’re married, do you know who knows you’re foolish and childish better than anyone else?

It’s the person who may be sitting next to you right now.

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Inside every one of us is this foolish, childish, human being who has been deeply affected by what the Bible calls “sin.”

It’s just the truth about us.

And if you don’t acknowledge it, you’ll hide, and you’ll never know oneness.

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I want to say this: Some of you are here this morning, and you’ve been hiding a long time. Some of you are carrying secrets, and your spouse doesn’t even know you.

And oddly enough, you find yourself kind of resenting him or her, when the truth is you haven’t come out of hiding.

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So I want to ask you today: Will you commit to honesty? Will you close off the exit of deception and hiding and pretending?

Because you know what? If you’ll do that, you can have an amazing gift. It may not come easily. It may take time, but you can have an amazing gift — someone who knows you, even your faults, even how childish and foolish you can be and still loves you.

And that’s an amazing gift. That’s part of what God intends marriage to be and do for us.

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I’ll tell you another area where you’ll decide whether you’re going to take an exit or build a bridge, and that involves…

Conflict

How do you handle conflict? This is so important in marriage.

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And here’s the deal on this one — Conflict is inevitable, but resentment is optional.

The writers of Scripture don’t say, “Never be angry.”

The Apostle Paul write in Ephesians 4:26:

In your anger do not sin: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry.

“In your anger” — which will come — “do not sin.”

And the challenge for every married person is to manage conflict — which is inevitable, and anger — which is inevitable, in such a way that truth gets honored and that resolution has the best shot of taking place, and that greater oneness can ultimately be the result.

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So you have to do the hard work of identifying in situations of conflict or anger, what’s the little exits that you’re most likely to take?

What is your default exit?

For some in this room, it will be harsh words.

When you get angry, your instinctual response is to just let it fly. And you want to inflict pain on the other person.

You want to use stinging words. You have words with barbs attached to them.

You make what sounds like a request, but really it’s a pretty harsh criticism.

“Would you mind taking some time out from your television viewing to help your fatherless son with his homework?”

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For some, it’s silence. You don’t attack. You don’t lie. You just don’t say anything.

And what you’re going to have to face up to is fear. You’re just afraid to speak truth in conflict.

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I have a story about this.

A guy needed to have a very difficult confrontational conversation.

And every time he thought about it, it scared him. He was talking to his wife about this, and he said, “Every time I think about having this conversation, my mouth gets dry.”

And then a while later, still scared, “Every time I think about having this conversation, my palms get sweaty.”

And she said to him, “Well, why don’t you lick your palms?”

It’s real practical advice.

For some of you, today is palm-licking time.

Resentment has been festering inside you, and it’s killing oneness. And you don’t even talk about it.

If you don’t talk about it, the danger is that little exits will become a way of life for you.

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Let me describe some.

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You find that you’re pouring all of your time and energy into work, and it’s become such an ingrained habit that you and your spouse don’t even fight about it anymore.

But the truth is, you cherish your work more than you do that person you gave a promise to.

The secret truth is you’re married to your work.

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Or you talk more deeply about your marriage with a trusted friend or two than you do with your spouse.

You blame him for this. You say it’s his fault, but the truth is that doing this enables you to focus on his faults and not have to look at yours.

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Or you have, over the years, drifted into patterns of mishandled sexuality — entertaining lustful desires, allowing the habit of being sexually gratified by looking at other women or visiting sexually explicit websites.

And you often justify this by dwelling on her faults, resenting her, as if somehow that makes it all okay, as if it’s because of her inadequacy.

But inside you know — right now you know something is deeply wrong in you.

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Or you escape into romance novels or fantasies about what it might be like to have another spouse.

And your heart is more true to that fantasy than it is to the flesh and blood person that you gave a promise to.

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Or you retreat after dinner, night after night, into a hobby.

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Or you just sit in your chair and consume social media by yourself.

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Or you try to anesthetize the pain by drinking too much. Or you go shopping and spend too much.

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Or you immerse yourself in a combination of resentment and self-pity month after month, year after year.

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Now here’s the danger. The danger is that because you’re still legally married, because you’re still sticking around, you think of yourself as honoring your promise.

You say to yourself, “I didn’t take a big exit. I’m not having an affair. I didn’t walk out the door. I’m still here. I’m keeping my vows.”

But you’re not!

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You did not stand in front of another human being with friends and family watching, with God Almighty as your witness, and promise, “My body will stay in the same house as you.”

You didn’t promise, “I will try to avoid having sex with another human being.”

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You said, “With this ring I seal my promise — to be your faithful and loving husband — to be your faithful and loving wife.

You said, “…to have and to hold, to love and to cherish, for richer or for poorer, for better or for worse, sickness and health, as long as we both shall live, ‘til death do us part.”

You promised. You gave your word.

And if you think that somehow just because you’ve managed to avoid walking out of the house or sleeping with some other body, that simply doing that is the same thing as honoring the promise that you made, you are seriously deceiving yourself.

I am here to tell you today that you are seriously deceiving yourself.

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You did not promise just to refrain from walking away.

You promised that what God intended for marriage to be — the two shall become one — would receive the best effort you would be able to give it day after day, month after month, year after year. You gave your word.

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Now some of you are here this morning, and you have taken a big exit somewhere along the line.

And I need for you to know there is grace and healing with God. That is not the unforgivable sin.

And I want to encourage you to get support if you need support. Let us know if we can help. We want you to find healing and hope.

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But for now I want to say a word to everyone here who is married or may be married one day.

Marriage is a promise, and the promise is — “I will pursue oneness with you.”

“I will do that as best I can. I will do that ‘til death do us part.”

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It’s one of the most noble things a human being can promise… one of the most noble things a human being can do.

So I ask you today, “How’s your promise going? How’s it really going?”

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I’m here to tell you today, you can start working on that promise right now, whatever the past contains.

You can choose right now to say, “I’ve been involved in some of these exits, I’m closing those doors. From this day on, I’m closing those doors.”

And you can say, “I’m going to start building some bridges. I’ll begin to speak words of love.”

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It amazes me after all these years of marriage to see the power of simple, sincere words of affection and commitment — unbelievable power.

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You can engage in acts of service.

What counts to your spouse?
What brings her or him joy?

Have you thought about that lately?

Do something you don’t normally do.

Write a note, buy a gift, make the bed or fix a meal if you don’t normally do that.

Sometime in the next day or two, you can reach over and take the hand of the person to whom you gave a promise.
You can put an arm around their shoulder.
Take a moment to give the gift of touch, meaningful words, act of service.

And say, “I remember that vow that I took a long time ago, and I honor that promise. I want you to know my intention is to give that promise the very best that I can with God’s help.”

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Now for some of you, doing that is going to be real easy. It’s just going to be a source of joy.

That relationship is such that it brings delight in your heart to think about, “How can I express gratitude and affection to this other person?”

And if that’s the case, thank God… and be lavish in your expression of love and affection.

And allow your marriage to be a blessing to that person that you love.

And allow it to be a blessing to other people that see it… and help to build a culture of healthy, great marriages in this church… and in this community.

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For some of you, for whatever reason, honoring that promise is really hard right now.

For some of you, there’s a strain in that relationship that’s strong enough that even to touch right now would be an awkward thing. It’s hard to contemplate.

You can feel a kind of stiffness inside you right now.

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Or maybe you’re here this morning, and that person to whom you made a promise isn’t even here for reasons that are quite painful.

Maybe it’s going to take a fair amount of work to honor that promise.

Maybe you’re going to need some help. Maybe you need to find a good, trusted, counselor.

If that’s what you need, do it.

If your spouse will do that with you, do it together.

If your spouse won’t do it with you, do it on your own.

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Get alone before God, and say, “God, my intention is, with your help… if you will help me… I want to be the man or woman, the husband or wife I set out to be a long time ago.”

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It’s an amazing thing to me that maybe the simplest and most basic command in all of Scripture, what Jesus uses to summarize this whole curriculum for human relationships is found in the Gospel of John. Jesus says:

This is my command: Love each other. (John 15:17)

Love each other. It’s not rocket science. You can do that.

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This is the command for every one of us in this room, single or married.

But if you’re married, you start with the person you’re married to.

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Maybe that’s really easy for you today.
Maybe it’s really difficult.
Maybe that just brings enormous joy to you.
Maybe it will involve some pain.
Maybe it will be real simple for you to turn to that person you gave a promise to.
Maybe it’s real clear to you how to do it.
Maybe it’s going to be kind of confusing and take a lot of discernment.
Maybe it will involve using words of affection.
Maybe it will involve using words of confrontation.

Love each other.

And if you’re wondering why you should do that… it doesn’t really matter.

I’ll just give you one reason — You promised. You gave your word.

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Alright, let me pray for you as the worship team comes to lead us in a closing song.