Concerning Divorce

Today we’re going to be discussing a very important subject. And my hope and my prayer is that this will be a message that helps form our understanding of what the writers of Scripture teach about divorce.

And I want to say, this is a difficult and complex subject. We can’t just pull one or two Bible verses out of context on this one. We have to look together at the whole of what the Scripture says. And then do some serious reflection.

This is a complex subject, and I’m very aware in approaching it that this is not a conceptual idea. Some of you are here today, and you have been deeply, deeply wounded and scarred by divorce.

Some of you are in pain over it right now.

Some of you may even be experiencing some anxiety about what might be said today.

Some of you are close to divorce.

Some of you may not know what the writers of Scripture have to say about it, but you’re planning on doing it anyway.

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And you know what, I’m sure there are many people in this room, who have been through divorce, who would be glad to stand up and say, “Don’t do it.”

One study of divorced couples showed that just one year after the divorce, 60% of the men and 73% of the women said, “I wish we would have tried harder. We probably made a mistake.”

If you’re close to divorce, it’s my desire that God would make it very clear to you what the right choice is.

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I’ve been thinking in preparing for this message, “How can I talk to two groups of people today?”

How can I say, “This is what the writers of Scripture say about divorce,” without making those of you who have gone through divorce feel even more guilt than you may already feel?

And how can I say, “This is how forgiving Jesus is,” without making some of you think, “That means Jesus will let me off the hook. I can do whatever I want.”

I’ll just tell you, I’m not smart enough to walk that line.

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But God has a way of speaking to whatever our need is.

So we’re going to look together at what he has to say about divorce and just let him speak to our needs.

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But before we look at what the writers of Scripture say, I just want to ask us as a community to approach this subject with open hearts and gentle spirits. Can we agree to do that?

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Alright, I want to start with what Jesus said about divorce.

Matthew 5:31-32:

“It has been said, ‘Anyone who divorces his wife must give her a certificate of divorce.’ But I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, makes her the victim of adultery, and anyone who marries a divorced woman commits adultery.

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And then he says in Matthew 19, starting at verse 3:

Some Pharisees came to him to test him. They asked, “Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any and every reason?”

“Haven’t you read,” he replied, “that at the beginning the Creator ‘made them male and female,’ and said, ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh’? So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.”

“Why then,” they asked, “did Moses command that a man give his wife a certificate of divorce and send her away?”

Jesus replied, “Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning. I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another woman commits adultery.”

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Now we need to understand the context here to understand why the Pharisees were approaching Jesus.

The Pharisees asked, “Why did Moses command that a man give his wife a certificate of divorce?” They were referring to Deuteronomy 24, which made provisions that allowed for divorce.

And we need to understand that Deuteronomy 24 was written because in that society, women had virtually no rights.

Men practiced polygamy — that is, men would marry more than one wife. And a husband could divorce his wife for no reason at all.

And only a husband could do this. A wife could not divorce her husband, but he could just divorce her for no reason at all.

So Deuteronomy 24 is an attempt to put some accountability in place and establish some safeguards for women.

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So Matthew says:

Some Pharisees came to him to test him.

Or to trap him is another way of putting this. They wanted to alienate a bunch of his followers.

Some Pharisees came to him to test him. They asked, “Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any and every reason?”

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And Jesus’ answer was, “Wrong question!”

They ask, “Is it lawful?”

And Jesus went back to the principle of marriage. He didn’t go back to the law of Deuteronomy. Look at verse 4:

“Haven’t you read,” he replied, “that at the beginning the Creator ‘made them male and female,’ and said, ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh’? So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.”

The teachers of the law are asking, “Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any reason at all?” Is there any reason?

Jesus says, “Haven’t you read (They would have actually had it memorized). Haven’t you read what is on the first page of the book of Genesis?”

He’s saying, “This is kindergarten stuff for you. Go back to the first page and its right there.”

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God’s intention was that marriage be permanent and irrevocable.

Jesus says, “Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.” That’s God’s intent.

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But…

But there’s a problem, and this is where the issue of divorce is going to come in. And Jesus diagnoses it perfectly. The smartest man who ever lived puts his finger right on it.

Look at Matthew 19, verse 7:

“Why then,” they asked, “did Moses command that a man give his wife a certificate of divorce and send her away?”

Jesus replied, “Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning.

Notice how Jesus corrects their misunderstanding. This is very important. The Pharisees said “command”, Jesus said “permitted”.

The Pharisees said, “Well, what about Moses commanding us to give a certificate of divorce?”

And Jesus said to them, “Because your hearts were hard Moses permitted you to divorce.”

Moses permitted divorce. He didn’t command it.

And the key diagnostic phrase there is “because your hearts were hard.”

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In the Greek, this is a single compound word — hardhearted.

It’s made up of the Greek word for heart — cardia, like cardiac arrest. That’s the word for heart.

And then the word sklerao. It’s where we get the word “arterial sclerosis” — to dry up or to harden, to become tough.

What was once flexible and tender and pliable has now become inflexible.

And this is a major problem.

Jesus says this is the primary problem that causes marriages to deteriorate.

It’s hardheartedness.

And we all know how this works.

Even if we’re not married, we have hearts that grow hard.

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Those of you who are married, you know during the dating years, you tend to be kind of given this gift of a tender heart. It just kind of happens.

In dating and engagement, he finds that serving her is a privilege.

So when they were young he carried her books home from school.
In college he carried gifts up to her dorm room.
On the honeymoon, he carried the luggage for her.
When they came home, he carried her across the threshold into their new place.

And right about that moment he develops a back problem.

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Six months later, she says, “I need your help moving the couch into the living room.”

He says, “Let’s wait until half-time. I’ll switch to the La-Z-Boy and you can have the couch.”

This is hardheartedness.

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In the early days, you find yourself longing to serve.

If there’s a conflict, you long for there to be reconciliation.
You don’t want there to be any distance.
You find yourself always giving the one you love the benefit of the doubt.
You enhance their good qualities.

As you become hardhearted, instead of seeking to serve, you want to be served. The heart gets a little hard.

Instead of seeking reconciliation, you blame.
Instead of confessing your own wrongdoing, you exaggerate the other person’s wrongdoing.
A left-out coffee cup becomes evidence of a major personality disorder on the part of the other person.

Then here’s what happens. You get hardhearted, and then you begin to take little exits — the little exits from oneness we talked about several weeks ago.

Now, divorce is a big exit, but before you ever get to the big exit, there will be a million little exits, small choices to step back from oneness out of hardness of heart.

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Hardheartedness leads to these little exits. And these little exits will lead to a certain kind of thought, and this is very common for people — you’ll wake up one day and you’ll think, “I married the wrong person. If only I would have married someone else, I’d be happy.”

You think of it much like you think of buying a car: “I got a lemon.”

Now, here’s the question. Is marriage like buying a car?

No. What’s the difference? Anyone want to guess?

You could get in trouble here.

When you buy a car, you’re just consuming it. You’re passive.

When you get married, you’re producing the marriage. You’re helping to create it.

This way of thinking, “I married the wrong person” is going to hit pretty much everyone sooner or later at some time or another — sometimes for long periods of time; sometimes for short.

And let me say something about this.

There’s a real consistent finding in social sciences. Not many findings are consistent; this one is.

People tend, very regularly, to marry someone of just about the same level of mental and emotional health as themselves. That’s a real consistent finding — maybe different forms of pathology, but consistently about the same general level of mental and emotional health.

That may be scary for some of you, because you’ve been wondering how you — epitome of relational and emotional health that you are — could be married to someone so unhealthy.

Well, now you know.

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Some people go through life, get married, they’re unhappy; they think, “Oh, if only I’d married someone else.”

They leave that relationship for a better deal, another model, and sooner or later, it sets in again.

This is a formula for a hard heart. It’s a formula for a hard heart. There’s a better way, and the better way is to honor the covenant.

I love what G. K. Chesterton wrote… a great Christian writer. He wrote:

If people can be divorced for incompatibility, I cannot conceive why all of us are not divorced. I have known many happy marriages, but never a compatible one.

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The whole aim of marriage is to fight through and survive the instant when incompatibility becomes unquestionable.

Even the word “compatible” is a very interesting word. It comes from two different words — com, which means “with,” and “patible” from pathos, which means “suffer.”

To suffer with.

To make a promise that says, “Sometimes by a gift of grace, it may be real easy. Sometimes it may involve some suffering, but we’re going to walk through it together.”

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Now, God makes his heart very clear on the subject of marriage and divorce.

Marriage, in God’s heart, is to be permanent, irrevocable and intimate.

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And God makes a real strong statement on divorce, one of the strongest statements you’ll find towards anything in all Scripture.

Malachi 2:16

“For I hate divorce,” says the LORD, the God of Israel.

God says, “I hate it.” Because God knows the damage and destructiveness that’s involved when his great gift of marriage ends.

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Now… hardheartedness is a human reality, but it’s not part of God’s original plan.

God’s original plan was for marriage to be given to tender-hearted people.

Marriage will only work perfectly with perfect people, as we were created to be.

But not one of us is perfect. We’re all fallen, and that means all of us have this disease of hardheartedness to one extent or another.

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And because we live in a fallen world, we have instruction in Scripture about divorce.

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And I want to spend some time talking about the two main causes for divorce talked about in the New Testament.

The first one we’ve already read from Matthew 19, and that is divorce for the cause of sexual immorality.

Jesus says in Matthew 19:9.

I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another woman commits adultery.

The Greek word for immorality is the word pornea. We get the word “pornography” from that word.

I want to say a little bit about this.

Immorality is not restricted just to sexual intercourse.

It’s a fairly broad term that covers sexual immorality, and I want to be real clear on this today… because sometimes people play games.

Sometimes people think that as long as they have not technically had sexual intercourse outside of marriage… they have not sinned.

So we need to be clear on this.

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This term that Jesus uses, pornea — sexual immorality — could include things like ongoing, unrepentant, defiant involvement in pornography.

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It could involve various forms of sexually inappropriate behaviors with someone to whom you’re not married.

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Again, just because it’s real important that we be clear on this to eliminate the temptation to play games with it… this could involve inappropriate touching or embracing.

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If you’re reasonable about this… every one of us knows, if you’re married and you want to express affection to someone of the opposite sex to whom you’re not married — you know when it’s an appropriate expression of affection and when you’re crossing boundaries.

We just need to be clear and honest and sincere and not play games.

You need to monitor well your relating patterns with those of the opposite sex to whom you’re not married.

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One way of doing this is by asking this question, “Is the way that I’m relating to this person — gestures, expression of affection and so on — something that I would be comfortable with if it was shown on the screen and everyone at Blue Oaks could see it?”

I’m very serious about this. This can be a real helpful test. Just ask yourself:

Am I doing something I feel needs to be hidden?

If you’ll be honest and sincere about that, that will guide you pretty well. I believe the Spirit will use that to guide you pretty well.

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And this doesn’t mean you get unreasonable — that you never express affection. That would be a terrible thing. This requires wisdom and discernment.

But just ask yourself the question: Am I relating and expressing affection in ways that if it was shown on the screen in front of my whole church community, would it be okay?

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Now some of you are not relating in ways that would be okay. And I don’t know how else to tell you this, but you need to stop.

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Some of you have crossed lines, and you need to say, “No more.”

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Now, as we apply what Jesus is teaching about divorce in the case of sexual immorality, we can’t be mechanical or legalistic in the application of this.

In other words, it may be that you’re married to someone, and that person may have had one episode of sexual immorality. It may have come when they were vulnerable and now they’re truly repentant and broken over it genuinely.

They long to set things right.
They want to rebuild trust.
They’re willing to do whatever it takes for restoration, however long it takes.

In a case like this, it’s possible that they may have committed sexual immorality, but it would still be wrong to divorce them.

So, again, this is not a mechanical or rigid or legalistic thing.

But the general teaching is that where there has been sexual immorality, especially where a pattern of sexual immorality has occurred or there has been a lack of repentance, divorce may be permitted.

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Now, think back on the marriage covenant. We talked several weeks ago about how it involves two promises — a promise of loyalty and a promise of intimacy.

Well, when Jesus is talking about sexual immorality, he’s talking about the violation of the promise of intimacy. You promise to become one flesh when you get married.

What this means is that for all of us who are married, we’re not just obligated to avoid sexual immorality outside of marriage. That’s the negative side of this teaching.

The positive side is we are to seek sexual fulfillment and oneness within marriage. That’s part of the promise that we make.

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So, if you’re married, I want to give you an assignment today.

And the assignment is — talk to your spouse about your sexual relationship. I’m serious. If you haven’t done that recently, just take this as your assignment for the week.

Often this is difficult. It can be awkward for husbands and wives to talk about their physical or sexual relationship. So I’m making this an assignment if you’re married.

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Because the deal here is not just that you avoid sexual immorality outside of marriage, but that you seek physical, emotional intimacy and oneness.

You made a promise to pursue oneness — not just avoid sexual immorality, not just avoid divorce… but to pursue oneness.

Some of us need to talk about this.

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Alright, now I want to look at 1 Corinthians 7.

This is the other condition under which Scripture says a divorce is sometimes permissible. The first one is sexual immorality.

The apostle Paul says in 1 Corinthians 7:12

To the rest I say this (I, not the Lord): If any brother has a wife who is not a believer and she is willing to live with him, he must not divorce her. And if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him.

For the unbelieving husband has been sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife has been sanctified through her believing husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy.

Generally, the idea of verse 14 is that if you’re a believer, your spouse and your family can have access to the people of God and may be saved through you.

And then verse 15:

But if the unbeliever leaves, let it be so. The brother or the sister is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace.

This is divorce because a spouse has deserted the family. The first condition was divorce for sexual immorality. This is divorce for desertion.

Now, this one strikes at the other promise in the covenant of marriage, the promise to be loyal. Sexual immorality is a violation of the promise of intimacy; desertion is a violation of the promise of loyalty.

For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife.

This is a failure to be joined together — to cleave.

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Let me share a few thoughts on this.

It is possible that someone may still be living under the same roof with their spouse, maybe just for financial reasons alone, but that person has abandoned the marriage in every way — emotionally, spiritually, and relationally. They’re just playing games with geography.

It’s possible that that may happen, and so desertion could be defined as behavior equivalent to the abandonment of the marriage relationship.

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There also may be other kinds of behaviors.

It would certainly include things like physical abuse… and I want to say a word here because we need to be clear on this one.

In a room this size, you can pretty much count on the fact that some of you have or perhaps are suffering from physical abuse — and I want to be very clear on this.

The first step you need to take is to get out of the environment where there is danger and physical abuse and get to a safe place.

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If your spouse is willing to repent and get help, then you take it one step at a time.

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But too often in the church, people have misunderstood the call to submission or servanthood as a call to tolerate physical abuse.

And that is a violation of the interpretation of Scripture of the most serious kind.

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Again, there may be more than one way of abandoning a relationship.

Let me just share a few things about this in general.

It may be that your spouse is involved in extremely destructive or damaging behaviors that don’t fit these two conditions of sexual immorality or desertion as narrowly defined.

Maybe it involves violence. Maybe it’s a spouse that has a long-standing pattern of deceit or addictions of epic proportions and a refusal to repent — behavior that is just geared to destroy or damage the other spouse — extremely destructive patterns.

In cases like that, you need to go to trusted counselors, to leaders, to spiritual mentors, to pastors in the church, and this kind of situation must be looked at on a case-by-case basis… this must be done in community.

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The general guidelines again, 1 Corinthians 7, is talking about behavior equivalent to the abandonment of marriage.

And again, you can’t misuse this. People will try to do that sometimes.

You cannot say something like, “Well, my spouse doesn’t talk to me as much as I’d like, so they’ve abandoned me.”

This is talking about deliberate, willful, unrepentant, hardhearted, clear-cut abandonment of the relationship and the choice to lead a totally separate life.

In such a case, Paul says, 1 Corinthians 7:15:

The brother or the sister is not bound

Now, this is the same expression that Paul uses in 1 Corinthians 7:39 as well. Look at verse 39.

A woman is bound to her husband as long as he lives. But if her husband dies, she is free to marry anyone she wishes, but he must belong to the Lord.

So here’s the idea behind the expression “bound” — if you’re not bound, you’re free to remarry.

And the understanding in the cases we’ve been talking about today is that the spouse is not bound, so they are free to remarry.

But the writers of Scripture are real clear on this. If we are not bound, we are to remarry “in the Lord.”

Now, this means to marry another Christian, someone who shares your faith. The idea of doing otherwise was unthinkable to the Apostle Paul.

Marriage is to be “in the Lord” if you’re a Christ follower. You just need to make that commitment now. It will be unthinkable that you would marry “not in the Lord”; that is, not to a follower of Christ.

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Let me say another thing here about marriage and divorce in a general sense.

Some of you are here and you went through a divorce and it was before you ever became a Christian, and you’re a Christian now.

Part of what that involves is forgiveness. It may be that you’ll be able to go back to your ex-spouse and confess and repent.

That’s a real wise thing to do.

Maybe there can be reconciliation for that marriage. Maybe there can’t. Maybe that person is already remarried.

Again, as it involves a past life before you became a Christian, there is forgiveness and there is freedom, which would include freedom for marriage.

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Now, I need to touch on remarriage and what is acceptable and what is not acceptable.

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I would say there are three areas of remarriage that are not acceptable.

First would be remarrying when divorce is being used as a vehicle to seek a different spouse.

If divorce is being used as a vehicle to just try to find another spouse or I’ve already got someone else in mind when I’m going through the divorce process and I want to be free to marry them, such pre-intent makes the divorce adulterous.

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And let me say something else related to this.

Some people separate from their spouse and they file for divorce and the divorce has not even been finalized yet, and they’re already starting to date other people.

I want to say — this is unacceptable.

This business of separating from someone, filing for divorce and then dating around when the divorce is not even finalized is unacceptable.

The idea that you could date while still legally bound to another person is unacceptable.

And this should be a no-brainer. You should not have to think too much about this one.

If there is a divorce, it needs to be final and there needs to be a period of grieving and time of self-examination, repentance and healing — I would say at least a year or so.

Then if you’re going to consider dating, you need to have wise counsel from a small group of people you trust who are spiritually mature.

So that’s the first condition that isn’t acceptable — remarrying when divorce is being used as a vehicle to seek a different souse.

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Second, remarrying when there is no evidence of repentance and brokenness over the circumstances that caused the divorce.

No matter what my spouse did, if there’s no evidence on my part of repentance and brokenness and so on, I’m not ready to even think about getting married.

Because the truth is — and I’ve talked to enough couples that have gone through it to know — every divorce is the product of two sinners. Every marriage is the product of two sinners.

So no matter what the other party did, if there hasn’t been a time of self-examination, reflection, learning and so on, I would say the person is not in a position to be married again.

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And third, it wouldn’t be acceptable to remarry if the restoration of the original marriage remains a viable option.

We have professional marriage and family therapists who are available to help people who are going through divorce.

If you’re struggling with the issue of divorce and you’re a Christ follower, you have got to struggle with wise counselors.

One of the reasons for this is — just think about it for a moment — if it does happen that you’re hardhearted, who’s the last person in the world to know it? It’s the hardhearted person.

Part of the condition of hardheartedness is it blinds you to the condition of your heart, and, therefore, you must have wise counselors around you.

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Alright, I want to close by saying a little bit about how, as a church, we can remember and lift up and bring healing as it relates to the issue of divorce.

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I want us to remember what God intended marriage to be.

Here’s a kind of a picture of it. This is my best shot at it.

I believe this is what God hopes for when a man and a woman come together in marriage.

You will treasure private moments together.
You will whisper secrets to each other that no one else will ever know.
You will entrust the deep places of your heart that no one else ever sees.
You will call each other by secret names that no one else will ever hear.
You will cherish each other’s dreams.
You will share kisses and desserts… and fight over the remote control sometimes.

And if God in his grace allows, you will grow old and gray together; and you will see the wrinkles and the gray, but you’ll see beyond them to the youth and the beauty of the human spirit that can never die or grow old in the eyes of love.

And then you will know and be known
then you will love and be loved
then you will be one

That’s what God cherishes when a man and a woman stand up in front of witnesses and make a promise of love and devotion.

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But we live in a real world, and we are all fallen people. We all lie under the curse…

And that means we must be a community of grace and truth.

We must hold very high the truth. Marriage is God’s glorious gift to human beings, and his intent is for it to be permanent and intimate.

And we must be a community of grace.

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Jesus is teaching in the Sermon on the Mount to a group of people who tend to divide the human race up into two groups.

They think, “There are righteous people and there are unrighteous people. There are divorced people over here. They’re unrighteous. They’ve got problems. Then there are the non-divorced people. They’re the righteous ones.”

Jesus sets these people straight in a heartbeat.

Because it is possible that someone has avoided divorce but their heart is full of destructiveness and hatred and hostility and bitterness.

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And there are those people who are in marriages that are just working great. Marriage is just easy.

And sometimes people for whom marriages just work great, they can grow very prideful or self-righteous and say things like, “Well, I don’t see why people struggle with their marriage. If they’d just work hard at it…”

If this is you, would you just hear this real clearly?

If your marriage is going real well, maybe it is because you are a morally superior person. Maybe that’s the explanation. You are just morally superior.

Maybe it’s because your dysfunction and your spouse’s dysfunction happen to lead to massive conflict avoidance.

Maybe… maybe… it’s a gift of grace, and it is no grounds for pride or self-righteousness that can destroy a community and wound the hearts of struggling men and women, and do damage to your own soul.

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So no pride, no self-righteousness, no judgmentalism… not here. We’ve just got to agree on that, and we just need to search our hearts on that.

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Some of you have been through the pain of divorce. When you see those words from Malachi, “God hates divorce,” it’s kind of like a knife, and there’s a part of you that says, “I hate divorce. I know why God hates it so much.”

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Some of you are here, and you’ve been through a divorce, even though you desperately didn’t want it. Maybe you came home one day and found your spouse with someone else.

You need to be embraced and you need healing.

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Some of you have been through a divorce, and the truth is, you need to shoulder a whole lot of responsibility… and you need a place for repentance and for restoration.

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Some of you are in a marriage and you’re struggling.

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I just want to say a word to you.

We want so much for Blue Oaks to be a place of understanding and openness. We as a community say to all who struggle, this is a noble struggle that you’re engaged in.

To seek to honor your vows when it’s difficult, not to do it as a martyr or as a self-pity thing; but as a sincere, fallen Christ follower, that is an honorable quest.

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And… if we can be that kind of place:

if we can be a place where marriages are being strengthened and filled with joy but there’s no pride, self-righteousness or legalism
and where people who have been badly hurt can be healed
and where people who have sinned and violated covenants can experience conviction and repentance and restoration
and people who struggle have a safe place where they can be honored and be honest and be embraced and be cheered on
if we can be a community of grace and truth…

Then marriages will be built up and God will be glorified.

May that be said of us. May that be the perception of Blue Oaks in this community.