Approval Addiction

I need to say a little bit about the backdrop of the passage of Scripture we’re going to look at today before we read it.

And I want to start with this question: When is the last time someone subjected you to significant criticism?

Just try to think back in your mind to the last time someone subjected you to significant criticism.

It might have been a long time ago; it might have been in the parking lot just a few minutes ago.

When was the last time?

And how did you respond?

Some context for the passage we’re going to look at today:

There are false teachers in Corinth who’ve been trying to promote disunity in the church. They proclaim a different gospel.

Paul says in 2 Corinthians 11:4 they proclaim a different gospel — a different Jesus than Paul and they try to tear down Paul’s credibility as an apostle, as a teacher.

* They say that he is not impressive personally.
* They say that he is not accomplished at rhetoric, at speaking.
* They say that he is acting on human wisdom, that he is not really under divine authority.

So Paul is under heavy criticism from at least a few people in Corinth.

And Paul will not avoid confrontation — because the health of the community is at stake and he’s jealous for that.

On the other hand, he doesn’t want to use his position as a teacher, doesn’t want to use his authority, to crush people because that also will be destructive to community.

So what we’re going to see in this passage in 2 Corinthians is a very masterful guide for those of us who are followers of Jesus about dealing with conflict and confrontation.

2 Corinthians 10, starting at verse one:

By the humility and gentleness of Christ, I appeal to you—I, Paul, who am “timid” when face to face with you, but “bold” toward you when away! I beg you that when I come I may not have to be as bold as I expect to be toward some people who think that we live by the standards of this world.

Just parenthetically here, Paul is saying that he is going to be coming to Corinth and he would like to have these problems cleared up so that when he gets there, they’re not dealing with painful confrontations.

For though we live in the world, we do not wage war as the world does. The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds. We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ. And we will be ready to punish every act of disobedience, once your obedience is complete.

You are judging by appearances. If anyone is confident that they belong to Christ, they should consider again that we belong to Christ just as much as they do. So even if I boast somewhat freely about the authority the Lord gave us for building you up rather than tearing you down, I will not be ashamed of it. I do not want to seem to be trying to frighten you with my letters. For some say, “His letters are weighty and forceful, but in person he is unimpressive and his speaking amounts to nothing.” Such people should realize that what we are in our letters when we are absent, we will be in our actions when we are present.

We do not dare to classify or compare ourselves with some who commend themselves. When they measure themselves by themselves and compare themselves with themselves, they are not wise. We, however, will not boast beyond proper limits, but will confine our boasting to the sphere of service God himself has assigned to us, a sphere that also includes you.

We are not going too far in our boasting, as would be the case if we had not come to you, for we did get as far as you with the gospel of Christ. Neither do we go beyond our limits by boasting of work done by others. Our hope is that, as your faith continues to grow, our sphere of activity among you will greatly expand, so that we can preach the gospel in the regions beyond you. For we do not want to boast about work already done in someone else’s territory. But, “Let the one who boasts boast in the Lord.” For it is not the one who commends himself who is approved, but the one whom the Lord commends.

Let me read this last verse again because this really summarizes the whole section. If you underline or circle words, you may want to underline that word ‘approved’ because that’s a critical one here.

For it is not the one who commends himself who is approved, but the one whom the Lord commends.

Here’s the way it works. Living in the love of God, living in the gracious acceptance and approval of God will liberate you from approval addiction.

And living as an approval addict will keep you from living in the love of God.

This theme runs throughout Scripture.

Listen to a couple passages.

Paul is writing to the church at Galatia, the first chapter of his letter to the Galatians, and this is what he says:

Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ. (Galatians 1:10)

He says, “I have this choice. I could try to win the approval of human beings or of God. It’s one or the other.”

In the Gospel of John, it’s put in very sobering fashion, John 12:42-43.

The context here is that there were religious leaders in Israel who were coming to believe Jesus. They were coming to believe that his message really made sense, that he was right.

But John says, “They would not confess their faith. They would not commit to becoming disciples and following him because they were afraid of human authorities.”

The Pharisees were afraid of the possibility of being put out of the synagogue. This is what John writes:

Yet at the same time many even among the leaders believed in him. But because of the Pharisees they would not openly acknowledge their faith for fear they would be put out of the synagogue; for they loved human praise more than praise from God.

“For they loved the praise or approval of human beings more than the praise of God.”

And it kept them from entering into a life of following Jesus.

Approval addiction.

Let me give you a few symptoms just so you can recognize it. Then we’ll just do a quick survey, only one quick mass-confession of approval addiction today, to get it over with. And it might be a little painful.

Just bear with me. A series of symptoms here to help us recognize it.

If you find yourself often getting hurt by things other people say about you, by people expressing other than glowing opinions about you, probably you’ve got a little bit of approval addiction.

If you find yourself comparing yourself to other people, if you find yourself getting competitive and you have this need to beat other people, to be number one, probably you’ve got a little bit of this.

If you live with this nagging sense that you’re not important enough or not special enough, if you find yourself sometimes getting envious of someone else, probably you’ve got a bit of this.

If you ever find yourself trying to impress people and doing subtle kind of boasting so it doesn’t sound like you’re boasting but people will walk away being impressed by you; or if you find yourself wondering, “What do other people think about me?”

Okay, these are some of the symptoms.

There are other ones, but quick confession now, just a quick show of the hands. How many of you would say that you think at least to some extent you wrestle with this business of approval addiction?

How many of you would say, “I would raise my hand but I’m afraid other people would think badly of me.”

The truth is, pretty much everyone I know struggles with this one.

A couple came up to me one time at a previous church, and they were just critical people, just critical type people. They didn’t like the state of the world, and they complained about the state of the world in general to me and I could pretty much agree with them about that.

Then they complained about people in my generation, but it wasn’t real personal so we could agree about that.

Then they complained about the church. We had redecorated the auditorium in colors they didn’t like, and they complained about that. That was okay.

Then they complained about my kids, that they were running around in church and not reverent enough in the church.

Then they started in on me. They started criticizing a decision that I had made recently.

Now, I don’t mind if you criticize my kids, but when you criticize me — no, I’m just kidding. I don’t like it when you criticize my kids.

When I’m living as an approval addict, I’m constantly vulnerable to other people’s opinions about me.

What happens is I end up going back and forth between trying to please them, placate them on the one hand, and swallowing resentment and so on.

Or giving in to resentment and blowing up at them on the other hand.

Now, because Paul has been to a large extent liberated from this approval addiction because he lives in the commendation of God, he’s free to speak the truth in love.

He’s free to confront when people need confronting and to be gentle when people need gentleness.

This is what’s behind verses 1 and 2.

Look back at verses 1 and 2. He says:

By the humility and gentleness of Christ, I appeal to you—

The humility and gentleness of Christ characterize Paul.

I, Paul, who am “timid” when face to face with you, but “bold” toward you when away!

Now, what he’s doing here is echoing or parroting the charge that’s being made by some of his opponents. They’re saying that Paul is very humble sometimes, like when he was here face to face but his letters can be very bold.

He says:

I beg you that when I come I may not have to be as bold as I expect to be toward some people who think that we live by the standards of this world.

Here’s what’s happening. People in Corinth are confused because sometimes Paul seems so gentle that he’s called timid, and sometimes he’s so confrontational he’s called bold.

Here’s the point: Paul can confront people with great boldness when he needs to because he doesn’t fear their disapproval. If he confronts them and they don’t like it, if they tell Paul they don’t like him, he’s not devastated. He doesn’t fall apart. His life is not built on their approval.

At the same time, because Paul lives under the approval of God, his style is to be humble and gentle. He doesn’t work hard at being impressive. He doesn’t go around comparing himself with other people or trying to demonstrate his superiority. He doesn’t need to impress people. He doesn’t need to be the one in charge. He doesn’t need to be in competition with other people or to beat other people or to be flashy.

Paul, like Jesus, is living under the approval of God.

We’ll come back again and again today to verse 18 —

For it is not the one who commends himself who is approved, but the one whom the Lord commends.

Paul, like Jesus, is living under the gracious approval of God, so Paul, like Jesus, has been largely liberated from approval addiction in any of the forms that it’s likely to take.

He doesn’t need to placate people.
He doesn’t need to power up on people.
Paul, like Jesus, demonstrates this unusual ability to live this gentle, humble servant-oriented life.
He never gets caught up in the attempt to show off his power or his authority.
He never gets caught up in the need to show off how hard he can work or how strong his will is.
He doesn’t try to throw his weight around.
He doesn’t compete against other people.
Yet at the same time he can stand up to the most powerful and intimidating forces of his day — political pressure, social pressure, religious pressure and the people at the top of the religious hierarchy or the Roman government.
He can stand up to them and not bat an eye. He can do it without blinking.

What you see when you see Paul and, of course, to the fullest extent when you see Jesus, is someone who has been liberated from approval addiction.

What I want to do in the last part of this talk is point out some ways in which you and I can combat this approval addiction — some things we can do.

So this is one of those kind of deals where if you’re taking notes and you want to jot down a few enumerated thoughts, you can do that because Paul lives a different kind of life than his opponents that enables him to live under the approval of God and be liberated from the need to get it from other people.

Here’s one thing that he does. Take a look at verse 5. Paul says he’s involved in this spiritual warfare, and he talks about how we don’t wage war according to human standards. In verse 5:

We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God,

Then here’s the phrase I want you to look at:

and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.

Paul says, “We take every thought captive to obey Christ.”

We take every thought captive.

See, approval addiction involves thoughts or beliefs that have not been taken captive.

There’s a writer named David Burns that notes:

It’s not another person’s approval or compliments about me that make me feel good. It’s my belief [my thought] that there’s validity to what they say, if they give me approval or disapproval.

Imagine this for a moment. Imagine you were to visit the psychiatric ward of a hospital, Burns writes, and a patient comes up to you and this is what the patient says. The patient says to you, “You are wonderful. I had a vision, and in my vision I was told the thirteenth person to walk through the door would be the special messenger. You are the thirteenth, so I know you are the chosen one, the holy one, the bringer of peace and beauty to the world. Let me kiss your shoe.”

If that happened, how many of you would have your self-esteem rise tremendously as a result of that?

It’s an outrageous compliment, but it did nothing to enhance my sense of value as a person. I didn’t walk away from it feeling more valuable.

Now, here’s the point of this. We think that when people give us approval they’re making us feel good, and when they disapprove of us they’re making us feel bad, but that’s not the case.

The truth is that in between other people’s approval of you and your pleasure in it, or their disapproval of you and your displeasure in it — in between their approval and your feelings is your assessment of the validity of their approval — your belief, your thought.

You are not the passive victim of other people’s opinions.

In fact, their opinions are powerless until you validate them.

No one’s approval of you or disapproval of you will affect you unless, and until, you grant it credibility.

You see the way this works?

In between what happens out there and our sense of being valued or torn down is our beliefs, and it’s always there, our thoughts.

Paul is saying that we’re involved in spiritual warfare, but the fact is that it’s spiritual warfare but it’s not so simple that you can say, “I’m the good guy” or “We’re the good guys, and the bad guys are all out there.”

Paul says it’s spiritual warfare but, in fact, the battle goes on within me as well as outside of me.

He says we’re in a spiritual battle and we must assess our thoughts and our beliefs and decide if they’re moving us closer towards conformity to Jesus or farther away from him.

At least part of this taking every thought captive to Christ has to do with refusing to allow other people’s approval or disapproval the power to dominate my life.

Let me say it again. At least part of this business of taking every thought captive to Christ has to do with refusing to allow other people’s approval or disapproval the power to dominate my life.

You just simply refuse to do it.

Now, understand I’m not talking here about a healthy appreciation for being affirmed and complimented. Affirmation and encouragement are good things.

What I’m saying is that Paul is committed to taking captive every thought so that he can live like Christ, and if we want to be liberated to live that kind of life, part of the commitment is the examination and challenging of our thoughts.

The next time you find yourself in a situation where you’re craving approval or you’re cringing at disapproval, you need to step back and examine what’s going on in your mind. You need to take every thought captive.

As we read on, part of what we see is that one of the needs is to identify true and false grounds for approval — identify true and false grounds for approval.

Now, the true grounds are found in verse 7.

Paul says:

You are judging by appearances. If anyone is confident that they belong to Christ, they should consider again that we belong to Christ just as much as they do.

In other words, Paul is saying part of what gives me the strength to deal with criticism and conflict is I’m very clear about my identity, and my identity is this — I belong to Christ. I belong to Christ.

Now, if you can say that today, and I trust many of us can, what else really matters?

If you belong to Christ, what else really matters?

The way Paul puts it in other places — “What can separate us from the love — this gracious, accepting, approving love of God?”

Then he goes through the list, and his conclusion is nothing, no power on earth.

My identity is this: I belong to Christ. Nothing else really matters. Other people’s approval or disapproval is irrelevant to my ultimate worth. I belong to Christ.

Kind of parenthetically here, especially if in your life you were often denied approval growing up — if you grew up in the kind of family where it was not given to you much — then probably on a very regular basis you need to withdraw, go off on your own, get away from this world that crushes us with the temptation to seek approval and to fear disapproval.

You need to withdraw from that and regularly meditate and reflect on the fact that nothing can separate you from the love of God, that you belong to Christ. That’s the truth.

Now, there are false grounds for approval, and there’s an example of that in 9 and 10.

Paul says:

I do not want to seem to be trying to frighten you with my letters. For some say, [Here he’s referring to his opposition, his opponents at Corinth, those that preach a false gospel. For some say,] “His letters are weighty and forceful, [kind of an interesting tidbit about Paul’s life, Paul’s person] but in person he is unimpressive and his speaking amounts to nothing.”

Not a great speaker, and he’s just not a physically impressive guy. Paul is having to deal with not being a physically impressive guy in a world where appearance and impression management count for almost everything.

Classically, in our day, a man is supposed to have three attributes to be considered attractive, and every woman here knows what they are. A man is supposed to be — tall, dark and handsome.

I was talking to Christian about this and I said, “It’s an interesting thing, Christian, that between yourself, Steve Solomon and myself, each one of us has one and only one of these three characteristics.

He said, “Yeah, that’s right. But I never noticed until you just said this just how dark Steve Solomon is.”

Okay, that didn’t happen. I just made that up.

I want to take a moment to deal with this at its most obvious level.

Part of living in the kingdom of God, part of living in the new community of God means ceasing to relate to people on the basis of their physical appearance.

Some of you in this room have felt anguish because you do not meet up with whatever standards our particular society labels as physically desirable. Some of you know deep pain.

Some in this room will have felt like physical attractiveness is about all you have to offer.
It’s how you get approval, and the notion of aging, of losing your one best shot at getting strokes produces significant anxiety for you.

We all need to hear this truth: In the kingdom of God, human beings are not given greater or lesser value on the basis of the symmetry of their face or the shape of their body, not in the kingdom of God.

‘Human beings judge on outward appearance, but God looks upon the heart,’ God said to the prophet Samuel, 1st Samuel 16:7.

Paul says, “I know who I am, and who I am is a child of God who belongs to Christ, and therefore what anybody happens to think of me, it doesn’t dominate my life.”

It really doesn’t.

When I say that, it can almost have an uncaring sound to it, and I want to be very careful about this.

More deeply, Paul is committed to shepherding his flock.

Let me put like this. I gave some thought to how to express this, and let me try it this way.

To truly care for people requires not caring too much about their approval or disapproval.

To truly care for people requires not caring too much about their approval or their disapproval.

One of the things you notice about Jesus is he is constantly withdrawing from crowds. Constantly he is getting away from them, and I think a part of what this is about, part of what he is teaching us in this is, as someone who loved people and wanted to lead them, he knew that he would have to disappoint them.

When you think about Jesus, he disappointed pretty much everyone in his life at some point along the way.

If he had been running on people’s approval, the approval of the crowds, the approval of his family, the approval of his disciples, if that’s what he would have been running on, he never could have completed his mission. He never could have loved them.

He had to be running on something else, and what he ran on was the love of his Father.

To truly care for people requires not caring too much about their approval or disapproval.

Another thing if you want to beat this business of approval addiction, and this will be the last thing — in verse 12. This is just so wise.

We do not dare to classify or compare ourselves with some who commend themselves. When they measure themselves by themselves and compare themselves with themselves, they are not wise.

They are not wise.

I remember hearing this a while ago:

About how we tend to live our lives based on comparison with other people and what they think of us.

When people are in their twenties, they live to please other people.
When they’re in their thirties, they get tired of trying to please other people, and they get mad at them.
When they’re in their forties, they realize no one was thinking about them the whole time anyhow.

The truth is that generally other people are worried more about what people are thinking about them than they are thinking about you.

But I’m not sure that time alone is sufficient to teach us that.

I think in many cases our society just presses us to define ourselves by comparing ourselves to other people. It’s a sickness in our society.

Michael Jordan or Lebron James?
Ronaldo or Messi?
Drake or Kendrick Lemar?

Go to a class reunion and see people start to size each other up.

Who’s climbed the ladder really high?
Who has not reached expectations?
Who’s got the best kids?
Who’s the most attractive?
Who has the most impressive accomplishments?

Paul says it even gets into the church.

Who has the most impressive ministry?
Who could attract the most people?

It’s just a sickness.

Paul says when people do it it’s just not wise because once you get on that track, once you get on that track, you’re on a treadmill and no matter how fast you run you’re never going to get there.

You’re trying to feed an appetite that will be absolutely insatiable.

So Paul models for these people and for us that to live in the kingdom of God always means freedom. To live in the kingdom of God always means freedom.

And part of what we’re freed from is this oppressive burden of having to live under the yoke of other people’s opinions about us.

So Paul says:

Let the one who boasts boast in the Lord.

Just give up this whole business of trying to convince people how smart you are, or how successful you are, or how clever you are, or how attractive you are.

Just give it up, people.

Just live in the acceptance and the approval of this God who is wonderful beyond words.

Boast in the Lord.

For it is not the one who commends himself who is approved, but the one whom the Lord commends.

Alright, let me pray for you.